Never get used to

I guess you always knew eh, the text said it but we brushed over it never to speak on it. 

I hid it till it started to eat at the very core of who I was, my world crumbled faster than you can say 'a gay'. It felt like I failed you in ways that made all your sacrifices seem in vain. The seed you had sown eaten by the early bird.  

It wasn't eaten bro, just needed some extra care.  

It's not all gloom and doom though, I found love, first within me. I have never seen myself more clearly than I do now, I am able to be kind, and stern when it calls for it.

I found romantic love and although I can not compare, I am starting to understand when you said  'a thousand woman do not compare'. This love feels like after lifetimes of trying we finally getting it right, the universe is on our side.  

I found unconditional love for my family and friends, even the ones for which I must love from a distance, this love also carries to cameo friends, those that taught the lesson and left. 

I am preparing myself mentally, physically and spiritually for the abundance that is about to hit my life. Me 6 months ago would not have imagined the things I am doing now and continue to do, growth is beautiful. 

Thank you for your guidance and love.

P.s big up the ancestor dem!! Teaching and protecting the goods - we are the goods - since forever and a day.  

Not a fitness tip

In the middle of the bodypump class as I watch my thighs wibble long after I stopped moving and as my glasses and shirt continue to be drenched from my sweat, this is the proudest I am of the team work that my mind and body are capable of.  

After years of gyming I am now mentally and physically capable of keeping up the pace with my classmates albeit out of tune.  

The ability to cheer myself on during the sessions distracts my mind long enough for me to think objectively about my life and the lessons I may be missing and the direction I want it to head. While my mind giggles at how silly I look in this class, I think about my woes and how I may be misreading the facts in. In that moment I am capable of seeing my own strength and that empowers me.   

Every week we say we will give up this and that in a bid to get healthy. We know that the crispy vegan rolls, chips and cider - we all have our own variation - ain't doing us a world of good, counting the days between poops, yet we continue to indulge our bodies.  

But exercise is where you come to talk the walk you have to look after your body there and then, slack can result to injury. Bad form can literally cause damage. 

You come home and you know that was good coz your body feels good you feel good, you know that eating continues this feeling of goodness, yet you reach for the oven no effort quick food. You know what you are eating is only good for the right here and now and holds no nutritious substance. Convenience wins most nights. 

This year my intention is to stop empty convenience, limit the amount of nutritiously empty food I consume, limit the amount of media, especially that lacking substance and pazzzazzz. I want to use this time to fast, read books, make friends, make money, travel the world, cum in different hotels, explore the unexplored, laugh at the wibble of my thigh and to live my bestest of life. 

Basically big up the exercise, special shoutout to the gym and the gym class massive!

P.s Its simply to acknowledge how awesome working out makes me feel, how I can feel the muscles of my mind strength at the same time those of my body do. A recommendation of exercise, I guess it is a tip aaaaah, am I straying from the mission statement? 

I don't know depends on how you feel. 

What they don't say

as the distance between friends grow, the nerves that once held them strongly thinning with self discovery, time and geography causing further impairment.

on the surface, the nerves seem damaged beyond repair, minor surgery to snip what must be of little to no use.
what can't be seen is how we discovered the nuance and greys of life, 
how we laughed through the growing pains of adolescence 
we danced to Vybz and sang Weeknd, drunk and unafraid to conquer it all

what you do not say often is that you are sorry. without them you wouldn't have had the courage to go after what it was your heart desires and we take for granted the people who have our back. 
I am so proud of the persons you are becoming and I celebrate you daily.

all this and more remain unspoken but our connection still strong, reliable. 

p.s hey we made it in 2020 this is my ode to you. I love and will forever be grateful for your life. watching you live your best unapologetic life fuels and inspires me.

May 2020 shower you with abundance.                                  

I wonder what we will call this decade.

The close of a decade.

What a decade to have survived. 

I have loved; those that loved me back and those that couldn’t. 

I have lost; that which needed to be lost.

I have cried; enough tears to fill dams. 

I have cursed; your life and mine. 

As the decade ends I pause to acknowledge, those that loved with me, those that lost with me. Those that cried with me. Those that cursed with me. We survived together, stronger.

If I lost you in the process; I am grateful. I apologise and I forgive you.

Thank You. 

P.s I am in love with what this decade has made of me. 

My heart shattered countless countless times. I didn’t think it possible to mend the pieces.

This decade my heart grew and encompassed so much more than I could have ever imagined.

My heart is full. The cracks adorned with Gold. 

Wabi Sabi, Niggggaaa!!!

Pp.s I recognise that it saddens me slightly that my dad can’t be in physical form during this time of growth as I blossom. 

Weeping at WEP

‘Dear Iamle, 

This time unfortunately…’

Once upon a time this type of email made me question everything about my employability and my ability to be a ‘successful adult’. When these emails piled up it would result in a spiral and a revaluation and undermining of self, I berated my self. 

I applied for a great creative opportunity which I thought aligned with what I needed. In a realm I thought I wanted to belong to. The misspelling of my name and the ill written letter of rejection made me laugh, the person they were rejecting was somewhat separate from me, I mean it was me who applied for the job and it was me the email was intended for. Aside from the sigh of relief at dodging a bullet, I wasn’t going to be defined by their inability to see me. I knew what I was bringing to that table and was able to receive it with my head held high. 

On the same day I had an interview with a political party.  I gave a presentation that championed diversity, inclusion. Asked how the role fit in with my vision of the future I heard myself talking passionately about advocacy and activism, the need to connect with people offline. 

After the interview I spoke on a film panel, long time viewer first time participant. I looked forward to this. We watched Jesus Christ Superstar and boy oh boy what a film!

I am learning that life is not half as random as we think, things happen for a reason. No situation is inherently good or bad. It is how I choose to react that matters. I must learn my lesson and let God. 

I am learning that on one can add or remove value from me; its not for a loved one, a stranger, a product or a company to devalue me or to pump value into me. Their opinion of me is just that, something that has little to do with my reality. 

I am learning what is mine will be mine with little to no resistance.

I am learning perception is important, how am I framing this experience? What can I learn from this?

I am learning to sit, experience and explore my emotions in their entirety without sweeping them under the rug.

I am learning I can’t open someone else’s package and be upset that the contents are not mine.

I am learning it’s okay to go back to your goals as a reminder of why you doing what you doing and a motivator. 

I am learning that if it aligns it will be mine. 

I am actively surrounding myself within arenas I want to take up space in, with souls I want to learn from. 

P.s - I had initially written this after the interview before the panel. But I typed it days after and the following was written posthumously.

I am feeling things but can’t quite seem to articulate them well, something like pain - I am feeling maybe I am  an unemployable, how can that be? Something like disappointment; I really felt I would be going into January with some kind of official paid paid employment. I experienced the moment, the excitement the relief I felt that. I am not throwing the towel in but I am acknowledging that it wasn’t the idea result. 

The last rejection of the year hit me a little harder, but after some assistance from my friends I realised the answers this company gave me when I asked my questions were trash, these people would have preferred a token I am sure. The lack of support for members of staff were lacklustre, seems I may have dodged a bullet. 

I was insulted when I was informed they liked me so much they wanted me to volunteer, but they can volunteer sucking this dick!

This rejection couldn’t have come at a better time.

I will be taking up space in 2020 mothersuckers, I will be redefining success for myself and living truthfully in that.

Coffee, mate?

I walked into the nearest empty café, its bright mismatched decor reinforcing its emptiness.

The interview I had did not leave me filled in confidence, the receptionist’s cold hello threw me off, but I wasn’t going to let that throw me off. Once inside the interview a wave of anxiety and nervous hit me hard, all the prep I had done out the window. I sounded as though I applied on a whim. 

 I order my coffee. Thinking of all the materialistic things I had given up, my car, my flat, my independence and my job, my space. In moments like this all this sound like security - of course they are - I count myself very very very lucky to have a level of security afforded to me as I seek out ‘this’. Whatever ‘this’ is. 

‘This’ ain't settling though. 

I know giving up is not an option. Admitting when it feels hard, I am learning is part of the process. After failure eventually success comes. At what point of the process do you have to review if what you are doing is what you are supposed to be doing? What other way can I get into these spaces without the rigamarole of interviews? I am aware of what I can bring into these spaces, I am also aware of how much learning I need to do.

I look at my coffee and laugh, its not worth what I paid for it. What is it was I am really looking for? This thought catches me off guard, the bus stop is outside, why hadn’t I just gone home?

A bag full of unspent emotions lay deep inside me. I screamed, I kicked and begged for clarity. 

The only indication, the silent tears that fell, the hand in head and pen in hand. 

Empty public spaces have become the arenas in which my tears flow abundantly. 

I guess I paid for a space to cry. Even if the coffee was WAAAAAACCK and low-key overpriced. 

P.s Should cafés charge the price of a jar of coffee for one trash cup? I think not. 

Never get used to

Calling for you is your daughter 

I look for you 'round every corner 

I need to hear your voice, it's harder than ever before

My glasses left marks on my face

The way yours did after work.

I tried to remember the sound of your laughter 

I know it felt warm and infectious.

I tried to remember your face

Only faint silhouettes remain.

One Saturday I had bugged you enough and you let me cut your hair

The memory once vivid now disjointed. 

Although your sometimes nonchalant seeming responses to my dilemmas irritated me and you knew it, we both knew you were the only one I could call. 

For the first time I am starting to truly understand what it was you were saying. 

Sometimes I feel your presence. 

Other times I NEED to feel your presence so much so that ill formed versions of you appear and scare me in ways you never did. 

I do not understand divine timing, questioning it is futile, accepting it is peace. 

But, I’m doing good though.