American Sitcom

'What is Sister, Sister.' 

As I put on my Vaseline while looking out the window - to my surprise and frustration I thought - imagine if the roof just caved in, on you. Right now, this moment. Finished.   

My sisters are the most precious things to me in this world, the greatest team I have belonged to. I would move mountains and kill beasts with my bare hands to honour them.  

Since all this has been going down the one person I feel I am constantly letting down is my sister, she is the most wonderful person to grace this world and I am not saying this because she is my sister.  

I have spent numerous nights hoping and wishing my illness does not have an impact on her. I have spent many hours praying she never understands what I am going through.  

On my darkest bleakest days she is the silver lining. I don't think she will ever understand what she gave me when I had nothing to give to myself.

Why do people smile when no one's smiling?

The first time their eyes met, a tingle went down his spine, he only felt this when he really felt a song; this intrigued him and he smiled at her. She had butterflies; for the first time she was speech and thoughtless, lost in a present moment. They both felt a spark and he approached her.

The first time they kissed everything stood still, they were the only people in the room, in the world, on earth. The first time they made love proverbial fireworks exploded, it was as though a firework factory had gone up in flames. It was beautifully chaotic, destructive and loud. Nothing but them made sense in that moment as they simultaneously climaxed into each other. This was the last first time for both of them, their lives were just going to begin forever.

If you have consumed any amount of media you have encountered this story and numerous variations of it, you have gushed over it and secretly hoped it will work out like this for you eventually. If you have watched any Disney films, listened to 90s RnB, you not only feel like you are entitled to these moments and that you know them like you know the back of your hand. And for a lot of people this is exactly how their idea of love plays out in their minds and maybe even in reality, but unbeknownst to them the cues they have for love have been heavily influenced and shaped by the media. So before you think that the media has played no part of it, its only very recently people used to get married based on their parent’s coupling it was all on purpose for a purpose. In fact some cultures have kept this but because of globalisation, romanticism is flourishing everywhere and people who still practice arranged marriages are regarded as quite peculiar.

Romanticism as an ideology has a lot of flaws, like most things but we do an excellent job at overlooking the shortcomings that are presented, for no other reason than reason does not exist in a romantic setting. Things just happen for the sake of happening, because LOVE.
 We spend an awful lot of time searching for The One™ the one who is our soulmate, one crafted with us in mind. The One™ whose soul and our soul will effortlessly find each other and converge seamlessly; they will get us and accept us flaws and all and us them, those mind warping moments of loneliness will simply melt away once our souls become one.

Why do people smile when no one's smiling?

Its cause their thinking of someone they're loving

Keep on believing we are meant to be and

Nothing's stopping you and me from going to heaven

Sweetest love 

Even the music doesn't exempt us from the influence of romanticism. From the moment you know that your partner or a stranger is The One™ they tell you its easy sailing because the assumption is that the other person feels the same as you do. Music is the universal language so when the instrumental gives you tingles, then Alicia Keys is singing in your ears about love, you start to listen to the music with an anticipatory, almost celebratory ear for when you find the love that she is singing about. Then we start to look for the person who will give us that same feeling as the music, we even expect to feel that feel on sight, without having spoke to that person we just want to look up see the first person get the tingles and BAM thats The One™. We are to trust our instincts with matters of the heart, they would never let us down because well instinct, and this experience is supposedly intrinsic to the human condition.
 

Then the sex, toe curling, neighbours knocking, bed breaking, profanity screaming, eyes rolling back, you get the idea. Sex with The One™ is life changing, it affirms everything about life as spoken by the elders of your religion. The sex you have with The One™ would never disappoint because both of you want nothing but the other’s pleasure, they wouldn't be disgusted by your weird kinky desires because sexually you are both compatible,in your kinks. When yo find The One™ infidelity would not happen, because of mutual respect and open communication.
The realities of sex with The One™ or anyone for that matter is that our fear of being shamed by our sexual partners for our sexual desire means that instead of being true to our sexual selves we lie and conceal to appear appealing to our partners not knowing that they too are lying and concealing their desires for the fear of disgust and rejection from you. If sexual communication among couples was encouraged you would find out that both you and The One™ were both into Kinbaku but because you don't communicate you will never know for sure. 

All this sounds all well and negative but theory doesn't always translate well in reality, but sometimes its so beautifully done that you have to take a breath and savour every moment. In my line of work I have been fortunate enough to meet all sorts of people and have listened to all sorts of love stories. I met 'Raj', he was a man in his mid 30s he didn't believe in marriage and or love after the breakdown of a relationship years back. His friends and family would always pester him to get settle down and he would always rubbish them, then his friend introduced him to his sister in law, Raj and the girl eventually fell in love in and Raj couldn't see himself without her in his life. Only that they had only talked for a week, she lived in India and he lived in Hampshire, they barely spoke the same language and well he had never met her, but the way he spoke so highly of her and how she had changed his perceptive on things other than just love. Then on the flip of that I met couples who met in their teenage years and have grown together for years, they bicker and fight but they have foundations that run deeper than just love.

This whole thing of aspiring to one model of love is detrimental to the survival of love, we live in a time when even the ideology of romanticism has been bastardised. People are praised for having side chicks and for lying and cheating and spreading venereal diseases to their unsuspecting partners. If dialogue was opened up about relationships, expectations while in relationships less people would be in situations where they despise the whole idea of love and become hard shelled individuals afraid of having real connections and conversations with others. 

Monogamy isn't for everyone and neither is polygamy, however the best thing is communication and being honest not just with yourself but also your partners.What will work for you may not work for someone else, so when you settle in a relationship you have to do it for the right reasons.

-Mal
'5K to Couch'

P.s When you are rebelling against the establishment, when you envision The One™ and they are this hero type of dude capable of saving you from all your woes, when you are walking in nature and you think that its the most romantic thing, when you look at the sunset and think wow wow wow love, when you get mad that your matey forgot valentine's day or steak and blow job day, just remember none of that was an individual or original reaction or thought. All the media and society you have consumed has ensured that thats how you will feel and think about things of the heart. 

P.s.s When you like someone next take a step back and see why you like them. What you might find will interest you. 

an Ode To 2015

Ending 2015 I was on my kitchen counter watching the sky and the lights illuminating, everything about that scene made me feel almost content in the moment. Like many others 2015 had been a trying time, I had gone to my personal hell and came back still fighting but barely alive.

I don’t want this to be a post on how much I hated 2015, instead I want this to be an acknowledgement of everything that I feel aided in making me a strong person. Often we are quick to point out what went wrong and we completely start to ignore what went well and like most people know bad news travels a lot faster and further than good news would ever try to attempt.

This year has showed me the importance of the right kinds of friend, I have learned that not everyone in a relationship has the same expectations; and by relationship I don’t mean exclusively romantic relationships. I am so grateful for every encounter I had in 2015 with people I may no longer be able to call friends, but everything taught me so much, so so so much, everything I thought I knew about friendships was turned upside down then inside out. My dad taught me that the greatest judgement of character is by what the person is not saying. Sometimes we are quick to call peers our friends based on what they say, and once a situation to prove themselves comes no one is quick to rise to the challenge.

Personal growth is a phrase I love throwing about especially when applying for jobs, but in 2015 I felt the growth within my person. The whole of 2015 was an emotionally draining rollercoaster, the highs where short lived and thrilling, and the lows came hard and fast right after. My insomnia was at its worst, all while battling third year and a racist work place and housemate issues and best believe that my plate was full but I became increasingly brilliant at hiding that plate and helping other people carry theirs. Then just before summer it all got too much I started passing out frequently and my body started getting heavy to lift and carry. I quit my job on A5 notepad paper and posted it off in an A3 envelop I didn’t have the energy to even try and do it better. This was at the time the worst time in my life, I had really bad anxiety, I would bounce from not sleeping at all to not having energy to wake up. I don’t know what clicked in me but I was determined to not live like that, I couldn’t go to the doctor for my own reasons and I fought every fibre in my body to make sure I didn’t wait till January to try and change my life for the better for myself. Everyday became an opportunity to start afresh and to forgive myself, something I did not allow myself  prior to this. and by November I had clear plans in my head, I had laid the foundations of change and I was determined to not break them. 

I am gonna end this on here but in all my hearts I believe that bad things happen so we can recognise and appreciate when the good things do start to happen. I am not saying because I had such a shit year I am entitled to a good year, old me probably would have thought that; although I wouldn’t have admitted to it. I realise that sometimes you have to turn the situations around yourself and that’s by doing things some people may not understand, if you are religious that could mean speaking to a pastor or someone in the church, that could mean going to the doctors and telling him you feel blue, blue enough to go see him, that could mean exercise; it like be anything and ending 2015 has made me realise instead of saying 2016 will be my year I am now finally prepared mentally, physically, spiritually to make 2016 my year. I know it will have its bumps but with the amount of times I have managed to get up in 2015 whatever 2016 will throw my way will be a walk in the park.

-Mal

'5k to couch'

P.s Originally I was gonna take a picture, that spoke these words but then I realised that although a picture can 1000 words, it might not be able to fully capture the beauty I saw and felt at that moment. 

Tip Toeing into cyberspace

Honestly this is like my 15th blog, not because I am not an interesting person, or whatnot (Trust me I am freaking interesting its insane), but because I am a perfectionist, I desire perfection so much so that if there is one single signal that what I want to create does not look nor feel the way I imagined it my desire to create it dissolves into thin air...like a fart. '

SO what is different this time' she asks herself. I came across Wabi Sabi, its not like you want to say wasabi so don't even bother.

Wabi Sabi is a Japanese aesthetic that finds beauty in imperfection. It revers authenticity over everything else and in our western or western influenced communities and or societies, that is not something that is necessary admired, everything must be clean cut must be perfect, we have 'GOALS' that everyone has to hit. This has created a world that to me feels very constructed and insincere, every moment is created to be showcased.

But now with Wabi Sabi in my life, I don't want to be a part of the cogs of society, well I still have to be a cog in the employment sector but that is not the point. My understanding of Wabi Sabi is that there is beauty in imperfection (Lizards are adorable, those ugly looking dogs are so ugly they look cute you know them pug things?, the way the sun attempts to shine through the heavy dank December cloud all these and many more not immediately aesthetically pleasing things are what make life worth living, without them we wouldn't appreciate the aesthetically pleasing beauty around us.

Wabi Sabi is my attempt to escape the commercialisation of everyday life, it doesn't require me to buy anything new it doesn't require me to have the newest and the best, but rather appreciating the character of what I have already, both mentally and otherwise (I am not applying this to EVERYTHING so if you see me with new shit nod and move on). Since discovering Wabi Sabi I have to come to see just how conditioned we are to buy and to look at what the next person has and to try and over do them, its a subconscious thing so don't say not me you liar.

THIS wasn't meant to be Wabi Sabi 101.

The purpose of blog numero 15 is to leave a digital footprint, a digital legacy and plus if reincarnation is real Gersh Grooves might just stumble upon this and be like YO! PLUS I have always wanted to digitise my diary so why not put it on a public platform? Plus Imale in like 5 months needs to know what kind of delusions Imale of now has.

 -Mal
 P.s Proofreading is Long. And its like 3oclock and WABI SABI to all my errors

 '5k to Couch'