Thursday 17 October 2019

I don't have anythin to wear


Our first encounter was as a fresh 12 year old from Chilenje, I knew this shop was different from all the other shops; that at the time felt like megastores. It was smaller granted, but it had everything in the one dingy - a term I later learned and loved- room.  

As secondary school progressed and as I started to learn the customs of the land, I found among teenagers to say you shop in a charity shop carried some sort of stigma and was simply a whisper unlike when you shopped in New Look or took the train to Primark.  

When I started working I met all sorts of people, some who would wear something a couple of times and get rid of it, aesthetics gang, then I met people who shopped in charity shops because that was what their incomes allowed. The stigma I thought I felt at school had by this point disappeared and I was a regular shopper, veteran even. In those days £20 in British Heart Foundation left you feeling like Carrie Bradshaw walking down the grey skied high street with multiple bags, living your best life.  
Charity shops started to increase their prices, but not many people noticed, we had the luxury and privilege  of comparing the prices with BHS, it was always cheaper. Someone I worked with remarked that charity shops had become so expensive that her aunt would utilise Next's 5 finger discount. Not endorsing 5 finger discounts you will be doing the walk of shame down the aisle by yourself, somehow not worth it. At the time I just did the uncomfortable laugh thats all I could do, I laugh in the face of social discomfort hahaha. 

Stagnant incomes, mean more families are reliant on charity shops, but the popularisation of secondhand selling apps such as Depop, has resulted in a spike in prices in charity shops, and families are affected. 
When we aren’t actively seeking out city breaks on Airbnb we are rightly outraged by the consequences of services like Airbnb - not comparing the two, both are online services affecting real people for the better or worse - kids with money have come and made charity shops inaccessible we don’t even realise because for us even those Depop finds are cheaper than brand new or vintage. You could argue that Depop like charity shops is an assertive push towards sustainability, no matter the cost. 

It is the role of corporations to champion sustainability and fair trade, from the sourcing of the raw materials to the garment makers, however shoppers can also demand better. The way consumerism and capitalism works means neither will ask for sincere change because good marketing normally quiets down any noise, somewhat both consumer and corporation benefits from fast fashion, the corps make maximum profit and we find jeans for £9.99. That’s barely incentive for change. This greed results in tragedies such as the 2013 Dhaka garment factory collapse. 1,100+ people where killed. 29 brands bought garments from the Rana Plaza factories, of those only 9 including Primark, Matalan and Bonmarche attended the initial proposal for compensation meeting.

P.s  What I am saying is that we need to make more conscious decisions when it comes to shopping. All our shopping habits have real life consequences, close to home with people not affording to shop in charity shops because we shop and resale our finds and abroad the women - mostly- making the garments are in ill suited buildings, some are underage most are over worked and underpaid, and all this so we can buy cheap clothing. We wear these a couple of times get bored and the journey to a landfill begins or if you send it to a council provided clothes bins it might end up making its way to Africa in bulk, where it will annihilate the local textile industry. 

Sunday 13 October 2019

Searching


Let’s agree to disagree - if you will - that job searching is a job in itself. You wake up and the hunt begins, sometimes you even dream about that Love Monday’s advert. Today you are working on your CV, it’s always your CV, you know you have worked on it countless times and it still feels as though it need more tweaking.

A few months ago job searches would drive me down rabbit holes of hell. Work felt like shit and I started to feel like shit, and this was reflected in my searches. My depression made me believe I wasn’t worthy of jobs that I actually wanted and was more than capable of doing, my work conditions were the evidence needed to really cement this feeling. 

As I recover and learn and as my spirituality grows I realise that I had given the reins of my happiness to outside sources, I looked outside for joy instead of looking within. I had lost control of my life to these and didn’t even realise it. My depression was the best worst thing to have ever happened to me : would not recommend 1/10.

I got back the reins of my life and found God, I found her frantically trying to get me to let her out. She was trying to remind me of my worth and the purpose of my life but the outside was so loud I could not hear her. 
The shackles were broken, I was let loose free to run wild and to cry just as wildly. The more in tune I became with myself the more I learn God. 

I have always had an interesting relationship with religion and church. Church choirs and praise teams have always been my favourite part of most churches, they had the ability to grab my soul and reassure me that the love of God was like the love of family but like 10x more, and without expectations or conditions and it felt warm and cuddly. Praise made me feel like the love of God was like the mother’s womb. That feeling finished immediately they finished. 

I stared churching on Ad hoc basis food, praise and giggles were the magic words to get me into churches. Some of the food wasn’t would be so bad that the giggles would then come into to remind me I wasted a Sunday for trash food. Some of the praise was trash, even when it was trash PRAISE was still that guy. Anyone going through it I promise you gospel bangs and holds you differently. 
The most constant thing I felt was the emptiness of the preachers words, while everyone would be intoxicated and hanging onto the preachers’ all I heard was the gaps between the words. 

Pastors always felt out of touch with their congregations and the prevalent prosperity preaching was boring and repetitive and left me feeling all we do is ask God for money. One pastor at a student church encouraged broke ass uni students that if they sow or offered their last £5 God would double it. I didn’t understand it then and I still don’t understand it now, while I know that God can and will provide this felt almost dangerous to tell a bunch of gullible broke students. Why not encourage budgeting and smart money management, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is this advice is irresponsible financial advise.

Another pastor during a youth service shared that someone in youth had approached him because she was masturbating too much, on impulse its somewhat easy to first chuckle, you shouldn’t. This man spent a whole service talking about how masturbation is of the devil and all this shit. Now I am not denying that one can masturbate too much, especially if your life is now on hold coz you are flicking the bean profusely - get help there’s plenty of resources I would like to think - there is nothing inherently wrong with exploring your body, it is yours, if touching yourself brings shame and is sinful, imagine the message and complexes being spread, this again is neither here nor there. The point is this is also rather bad advice. 

My point is I did not find salvation in churches or in the bible - I can admit theres lessons and take home tidbits - but by feeling the power of he who created me. If I was created why couldn’t I embody some of the characteristics of she who created me, after all I mirrored my mum and had my father’s features, why didn’t I have the creator’s? Then I started to deep that I had always looked like my mum, but I never saw it because I went out of my way to not see it, the truth was I had some of my father’s features, I just didn’t know where I got them after all they were on me and as a result mine right? 

Everything I was ever created to be is already within me, I just went out of my way to not see it, I am filled with God’s love and favour, I just never recognised it. I had survived things that on paper should have ended me, I didn’t even realise there was only one set of footprints in the sand. 

I am not saying I LOVE job searches, far from that. When I do the searches now I am fully aware and accepting of what I can bring to companies, it’s a fucking lot. I am going after the jobs I want with my chest. I am doing x, y, z and it feels good. 

Solidarity to all my Job seekers, we got this and we are not defined by our jobs - if you want to be defined by your job more power to you. 

P.s -Some experiences transcend language. But semantics also mean that even as one may try to share an experience the limitations of language mean that the significance or true impact of their sharing will not be understood. And may only be felt. I am not christian, but understand and deeply feel that we were created by God/ Jah/ Yahweh/ Okaka / Onyekeruwa.  For me a big part of this has been defining for myself what I believe and feel to be true, after all life is trial and error and this spirituality and getting in tune with my inner self has been fruitful and beautiful in the most life affirming ways. I can finally sing. 

Wednesday 9 October 2019

Droop Sag Swing Sway

'They are all fighting to be number one' 

she laughs cheekily, as I dangle my new multi colour, multi purpose, glow in the dark, temperature indicator, white or OG cloudy. 

Who knew I would have this much fun with sperm while in a lesbian relationship? 

Sunday 6 October 2019

American Sitcom

'What is Sister, Sister.' 

As I put on my Vaseline while looking out the window - to my surprise and frustration I thought - imagine if the roof just caved in, on you. Right now, this moment. Finished.   

My sisters are the most precious things to me in this world, the greatest team I have belonged to. I would move mountains and kill beasts with my bare hands to honour them.  

Since all this has been going down the one person I feel I am constantly letting down is my sister, she is the most wonderful person to grace this world and I am not saying this because she is my sister.  

I have spent numerous nights hoping and wishing my illness does not have an impact on her. I have spent many hours praying she never understands what I am going through.  

On my darkest bleakest days she is the silver lining. I don't think she will ever understand what she gave me when I had nothing to give to myself.




Wednesday 2 October 2019

Music

Fills in the emptiness 

Ancestors live in the gaps between the spaces of your favourite hymn

Let the beat move you in ways you are unaware your body needs to move

Free your mind as you move your body to that drum beat.