What I am about to say we have all done and chances are we will continue to do so, unless we make that conscious decision to no longer do it. Because to be fair once tables are turned and someone does uses it on you, shit is crazy yo.
So something happens to your dear friend, like say they lose a hand in a freak accident (far fetched but examples are meant to be extreme). Anyway this is a heavy thing because your friend's livelihood relayed on that hand. You avoid them for a bit just so you come up with the right comforting words and in that moment of avoidance two things may occur in your mind; option a) find an antidote similar to what your friend is going through so you can hijack the severity of the situation, in the hopes that this will encourage them to pull through. Option b) you make some vague general apology and go on to avoid the subject completely, eventually you settle on 'I don't know what to say' like a well written script your friend pauses all the pain and frustrations to tell you they will be fine. And to you your good deed of the year is out of the way you have done it.
What if I can suggest a less self centred approach? An approach that takes your comfort out of the picture and let's your friend be the centre of the situation. Hopefully you said yes, because what I am about to say is so revolutionary I am sure somewhere somehow someone is charging for this insight. Please buckle your seat as I show you how to not be a hijacking fool.
Be in the present moment with your friend, if you couldn't get there as soon as it happened start with a genuine apology don't explain yourself, just apologies for not getting there sooner, then just be present. This may mean listening to melancholic music that you hate, this could mean offering them food, tea, coffee water and a fatty just to make sure they are properly hydrated and well fed. But on the flip side that may mean talking endlessly about things that may not make sense at the time, just make sure what happens is not dictated by your need for comfort, or rather your need to fill any moments you feel are 'awkward'. At the end of the day presence in itself speaks louder than words could ever attempt to. In moments like this it is important to be aware that it isn't about making you comfortable and lightening the mood for your own benefit but rather what you need to do in order to support your friend.
-Mal
'5k to couch'
P.s Next time you want to utter the dreadful 'I don't know what to say' especially when the situation is sad for one person, think of the implications such simple words have. Think that the person now feels awkward because they feel they have put you in a situation where you think you have the magic to utter the single greatest words to ease their suffering, and failure for you to deliver just makes things beautifully annoying. Everyone goes through things differently, do things at your mate's pace.
