Page of cups

 The pangs of curiosity are at your heels, fret not for curiosity may have killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back. You don’t know what you don’t know and sometimes the thing to do is get your toes a little wet. The feels you are feeling my conjure up fear and call it other names, welcome and explore this new territory, you are safe to do so. 

My willpower and self-discipline will significantly help me in my efforts to move forward

I am free from the need of approval of others
My actions speak louder than words
Solar Plexus - Self Discipline is attainable through practise meditation

Aquamarine -  The gem of the sea. Once a talisman for seamen this stone is a stone of relief a sigh breath, it is a return to home. It's a calming, soothing stone and helps us delve deep into the dark realms of our souls safely. 

Priscilla Renea - Jukebox 

Four of Swords

 You are feeling what you are feeling and that is okay, your feelings are valid, that’s not to say you should be stewing in that which makes your heartache. The presence of a grey cloud does not nullify the blue sky that lay beneath it, you are more than this what you are feeling, it is a bunch of bad days you are not those days nor are you these feelings. Take the time to rest, be intentional and patient with rejuvenation, you running at your optimum will cause all else to run efficiently, it's not the other way round. You are not a martyr, your resting will not cause the sky to fall out. 

Movement is your friend, dance you have plenty to rejoice for, if you could get your head out of your ass for a second you will see that what is around it was once merely a prayer.
It might not feel like it so much right now but you have the power of choice on your side, choose clarity the intention in itself is enough if it is all you can muster. 

I recognise that knowledge and information comes to me in form of intuition

I aim to understand the truth behind situations that come my way and respond with wisdom
I delve into circumstances from a spiritual viewpoint
Third Eye Chakra - Knowledge is more than what is written in books, your experience is valid meditation. 

Citrine - A stone that embodies the light and energy of the sun, it is creativity, optimism and an energiser.

Marlena Shaw - Spice of Life. 

Ace of Swords

 New is on the horizon, now more than ever is important for intentionality in what you do, it is after all the time of preparation for the winter months. Your vision is becoming clearer in your mind’s eye, let that be your driving force, be assertive, not domineering. The mental clarity you are feeling, use that to make better decisions, put aside ego and let God. 

I trust myself fully and do not let fear nor doubt hold me back

I have confidence in my abilities to reach my goals and fulfil my vision

I welcome questioning as it helps form clarity of my truth and ideas 

Solar Plexus Chakra - Embracing self-confidence meditation 

Selenite - Named after the moon goddess Selene, selenite clears and cleans more than just your auric field, your environments and thoughts go through a cleansing when meditating with this stone. It provides light in darkness and is a reminder of softness.

Banks - Altar

Empress

 You keep undermining yourself and your capabilities. This is in great disservice to you. We are a unique and personal balance of masculine and feminine energy, the feminine is calling on us to exercise our right to choice as we co-create new realities with those around us.

You feel as though something is not quite right, ensure this isn’t fear masquerading as concern by making gratitude lists, highlighting what we are grateful for helps us look with compassion to what may be giving concern.
You have a stake in all that is, be loud and proud about what you desire, what will come may surpass your wildest dreams, dream big! Can you dream outside the realm of capitalism or is capitalism the vehicle to get you to your dreams?

I trust all is good and will be good

 I feel good about myself, this ushers in more peace
I surrender to the power of love and forfeit the love of power 

Heart Chakra - Welcoming peace meditation

Flint - A stone of strength, courage, prosperity, intuition, grounding, limitlessness. 

A grounding stone, one that reminds us of the properties of the earth that we have in us, it helps draw these out of us strength, courage prosperity, intuition and limitlessness. Without these the ground would not yield the diversity of all it is capable of holding, you are capable of bringing forth magic as the earth is, has and will continue to do.

Laura Mvula - Pink Noise

Music

Fills in the emptiness 

Ancestors live in the gaps between the spaces of your favourite hymn

Let the beat move you in ways you are unaware your body needs to move

Free your mind as you move your body to that drum beat. 

Do your forefather's demons chase you?

Father's love was a blueprint, 

I yearn to surround myself with love 

I want my surroundings to fuel me.  

I know that all I need is within me.  

Love void of conditions feels like freedom.

My love self love is sufficient.

No tree grew tall by itself.  

Empress

'I swear one day Imale I will lock you in a room and we will fight' my mum screamed angrily at teenage me.

See my mum and I then were chalk and cheese, water and oil, flammable substance and a spark, safe to say we did not get on. My father's cool demeanor vanishing when he had to play peace maker. I would push my mum to the edge, not on purpose I just seemed to really get on her nerves and I played on that. For years this continuted and my mother and I grew further and further apart, I never understood her nor her me. But I was cool, my dad loved me, enough for both of them and that was good enough for me.

My dad would always tell me my mum was my only friend, I would snort and roll my eyes at this statement. How was he gonna say this woman is my friend? I was offended, friends dont spend 95% of the time fighting. The other 5% was for sleeping, eating, work, school.

Then our world crumbled, when out the blue, my father dyeed - this is great four lions reference btw - then it was just my mother and her kids, she had lost her best friend, we had lost our father. And yet the distance kept widening.

Then I got into situations I can now identify as ridiculously toxic, but its calm innit I can now admit I was looking for some sort of love. Deep.
At the breakdown of that shitstorm I decided I would come out to my mother, hell she was the only person, I felt who didn't know me. I spent days and weeks mentally going back and forth about telling her, but I felt like a fraud and stifled by my facade.

Then a lot of my black gays know this part LOL. I ain't trying to relieve that.

At this point I became comfortable with the idea of being alone, emotionally. I consumed with the desire to be loved relegated the need for my mother's love to the part where all that is disdained inhabits. I greedily gorged on the desire shown to me with little regard to where it came from, it was never about them.

Laziness killed the wanton beast within me, in time for me to move out of my mother's house.

Turns out this is the change we needed. At this point I started to see my mother not as my mother but as a woman, who had kids.

We started to smile more, together.

And as my birthday nears, I see my mother not as a woman but as a fucking hero bro. The love that my mother continues to bestow upon me has been the most radical thing.

Her love feels like the sun on your face on the first day of summer heat after months of winter. Her love feels like nshima after hunger, like finally getting hot water after weeks of kettle boiled bucket bathes, like the £30 contactless limit. Ethereal.

As hard as the last couple of years have been, she has been relentless and has raised 3 fucking awesome well adjusted independent children.

I realise now that all that time that we weren't chalk and cheese, but rather two peas in a pond. Albeit different boats.

Guys hug your mum man.

P.s - Imagine being loved like this. This is God level love. I am gonna go make my mummy a brew.
Lol jokes I am cosy in bed.

Why do people smile when no one's smiling?

The first time their eyes met, a tingle went down his spine, he only felt this when he really felt a song; this intrigued him and he smiled at her. She had butterflies; for the first time she was speech and thoughtless, lost in a present moment. They both felt a spark and he approached her.

The first time they kissed everything stood still, they were the only people in the room, in the world, on earth. The first time they made love proverbial fireworks exploded, it was as though a firework factory had gone up in flames. It was beautifully chaotic, destructive and loud. Nothing but them made sense in that moment as they simultaneously climaxed into each other. This was the last first time for both of them, their lives were just going to begin forever.

If you have consumed any amount of media you have encountered this story and numerous variations of it, you have gushed over it and secretly hoped it will work out like this for you eventually. If you have watched any Disney films, listened to 90s RnB, you not only feel like you are entitled to these moments and that you know them like you know the back of your hand. And for a lot of people this is exactly how their idea of love plays out in their minds and maybe even in reality, but unbeknownst to them the cues they have for love have been heavily influenced and shaped by the media. So before you think that the media has played no part of it, its only very recently people used to get married based on their parent’s coupling it was all on purpose for a purpose. In fact some cultures have kept this but because of globalisation, romanticism is flourishing everywhere and people who still practice arranged marriages are regarded as quite peculiar.

Romanticism as an ideology has a lot of flaws, like most things but we do an excellent job at overlooking the shortcomings that are presented, for no other reason than reason does not exist in a romantic setting. Things just happen for the sake of happening, because LOVE.
 We spend an awful lot of time searching for The One™ the one who is our soulmate, one crafted with us in mind. The One™ whose soul and our soul will effortlessly find each other and converge seamlessly; they will get us and accept us flaws and all and us them, those mind warping moments of loneliness will simply melt away once our souls become one.

Why do people smile when no one's smiling?

Its cause their thinking of someone they're loving

Keep on believing we are meant to be and

Nothing's stopping you and me from going to heaven

Sweetest love 

Even the music doesn't exempt us from the influence of romanticism. From the moment you know that your partner or a stranger is The One™ they tell you its easy sailing because the assumption is that the other person feels the same as you do. Music is the universal language so when the instrumental gives you tingles, then Alicia Keys is singing in your ears about love, you start to listen to the music with an anticipatory, almost celebratory ear for when you find the love that she is singing about. Then we start to look for the person who will give us that same feeling as the music, we even expect to feel that feel on sight, without having spoke to that person we just want to look up see the first person get the tingles and BAM thats The One™. We are to trust our instincts with matters of the heart, they would never let us down because well instinct, and this experience is supposedly intrinsic to the human condition.
 

Then the sex, toe curling, neighbours knocking, bed breaking, profanity screaming, eyes rolling back, you get the idea. Sex with The One™ is life changing, it affirms everything about life as spoken by the elders of your religion. The sex you have with The One™ would never disappoint because both of you want nothing but the other’s pleasure, they wouldn't be disgusted by your weird kinky desires because sexually you are both compatible,in your kinks. When yo find The One™ infidelity would not happen, because of mutual respect and open communication.
The realities of sex with The One™ or anyone for that matter is that our fear of being shamed by our sexual partners for our sexual desire means that instead of being true to our sexual selves we lie and conceal to appear appealing to our partners not knowing that they too are lying and concealing their desires for the fear of disgust and rejection from you. If sexual communication among couples was encouraged you would find out that both you and The One™ were both into Kinbaku but because you don't communicate you will never know for sure. 

All this sounds all well and negative but theory doesn't always translate well in reality, but sometimes its so beautifully done that you have to take a breath and savour every moment. In my line of work I have been fortunate enough to meet all sorts of people and have listened to all sorts of love stories. I met 'Raj', he was a man in his mid 30s he didn't believe in marriage and or love after the breakdown of a relationship years back. His friends and family would always pester him to get settle down and he would always rubbish them, then his friend introduced him to his sister in law, Raj and the girl eventually fell in love in and Raj couldn't see himself without her in his life. Only that they had only talked for a week, she lived in India and he lived in Hampshire, they barely spoke the same language and well he had never met her, but the way he spoke so highly of her and how she had changed his perceptive on things other than just love. Then on the flip of that I met couples who met in their teenage years and have grown together for years, they bicker and fight but they have foundations that run deeper than just love.

This whole thing of aspiring to one model of love is detrimental to the survival of love, we live in a time when even the ideology of romanticism has been bastardised. People are praised for having side chicks and for lying and cheating and spreading venereal diseases to their unsuspecting partners. If dialogue was opened up about relationships, expectations while in relationships less people would be in situations where they despise the whole idea of love and become hard shelled individuals afraid of having real connections and conversations with others. 

Monogamy isn't for everyone and neither is polygamy, however the best thing is communication and being honest not just with yourself but also your partners.What will work for you may not work for someone else, so when you settle in a relationship you have to do it for the right reasons.

-Mal
'5K to Couch'

P.s When you are rebelling against the establishment, when you envision The One™ and they are this hero type of dude capable of saving you from all your woes, when you are walking in nature and you think that its the most romantic thing, when you look at the sunset and think wow wow wow love, when you get mad that your matey forgot valentine's day or steak and blow job day, just remember none of that was an individual or original reaction or thought. All the media and society you have consumed has ensured that thats how you will feel and think about things of the heart. 

P.s.s When you like someone next take a step back and see why you like them. What you might find will interest you. 

Curse of the EX

'My ex and I' 'Me and my ex' 'My ex used to' 'my ex my ex my ex my ex ex ex x x x'

I first came into conscious awareness of 'My Ex' a few years ago, it started off as a seemingly innocent mention of this entity; it related to the topic. Then as the conversation went on 'My Ex' seemed to have taken over the whole phone call, as I rolled my eyes I was told of how 'MY Ex' did things, it made me wonder just how often people mention 'My Ex' and if it was a conscious decision; and why they went out of their way to distance themselves from the actual person. I had heard my friends talk of 'my ex' I had heard people on the bus, people at uni, everyone seemed to have a 'My Ex' story they had to tell.

So while in a foreign city myself the effects of 'My Ex' came into full force when I couldn't have my favourite ice cream because 'My Ex" frequented the ice cream bar the ice cream I wanted was sold in. Pissed and still hungry I settled for McDonald's, after all I didn't want 'My Ex' to get the wrong idea; we were friends and apparently 'My Ex' was irrational wouldn't understand two people couldn't just be friends. AND it was a big ass city its not like 'My Ex' lived in the ice cream bar. This was the defining moment for my hate, how can this heffa stand in the way of my ice cream, for some idiot I wasn't even seeing. (Sorry idiot but you were probably; still are an idiot).

It was at this point I had realised, I couldn't be friends with someone who had the curse of the ex. Till I realised EVERYBODY and their Garddamn mamma had 'My Ex'

The point of this is that you lot need to stop talking about 'My Ex', say their name it might just make you all tad more interesting. One guy has a whole blog dedicated to his world 'My Ex'. I know that everyone moves on at different paces but even from friends that shit is shit to listen to. This forced distance created between you and your ex makes it appear as though you wish for your ex to be still in your life, not that there is anything wrong with it, but you sound like the people on Facebook that Facebook everything their kids do. Sometimes just enjoy the moments you had shared and don't objectify this person whose company you clearly enjoyed or loathed, and turn them into some autonomous figure. And don't let them become a curse, taking centre stage of your identity and your stories.

P.S- Sometimes its okay to talk about 'My ex' Just please don't be excessive with it, it makes everyone wonder what went wrong and if it was because of 'My Ex'.
-Mal
'5k to Couch'

Are you a Friend; and for how long?

Noz you the OG.

My mum has a VERY VERY tight circle of friends that have successfully transcended the friend zone. So these people have known each other for 25+ years.

Fast forward to 25 years later. These women are still very much in each other's lives and its awesome. I will try and articulate what I am trying to say as simply as I possibly can...but essentially what I am trying to say is that I don't think friendships of now have the staying power of relationships of then. Call me a sceptic but I will hopefully breakdown why I think friendships of now don't have staying power, I will use fictitious hypothetical examples to try and drive my points. I might at the end of this just change my mind completely in regards to the lasting power of friendships of today. And on that note I must continue. I am gonna do this in stages coz otherwise it will turn in to a book on the dynamic and economic structures of friendships.

LoyaltyJust to illustrate how important loyalty is,  DJ Khaled handsomely rewards the woman I am going to assume is his significant other in the 'Hold you down' music video. He gives her enough money to

'Go buy your momma a house.

Go buy your whole family houses.

Put this money in your savings account.

Go spend some money for no reason.

Come back and ask for more'.

All this is because she is apparently smart loyal and grateful, I am not trying to say a DJ Khaled type figure will reward you each time you tick the smart loyal and grateful boxes of friendship, but I think this is a great visual and lyrical metaphor on the rewards of being loyal in friendship. I am going to argue that you can't have relationship like the one implied between Khaled and his lady friend without being friends first, I also appreciate that the relationship looks like a sugar daddy and his sugar baby but that isn't what I am taking about.
Khaled rewards this girl because there is a lack of loyalty in the way people function; so to display something as simple as loyalty you do become rewarded not always monetary. People form social bonds with people they think can provide them a social ladder, sometimes to climb up that ladder it requires you to display disloyal behaviour to people you may have once called your friends.

Some may argue that that is not necessary the case, but this is the rule and not the exception
Say you have two groups of friends there is U and group one who have been with you for a while, especially when compared to group two. At one point or the other, U will want group one and group two to meet and for a while things will go smoothly but will not progress and we all know that progression is necessary or death occurs.
Bear with me a second. In the beginning there will be equal balance between U, group one and group two. (Equilibrium)
Then an event will occur to shake things up...Everyone involved will be fully aware of this disturbance.
Then all groups will try and come an understanding and attempt to fix this disturbance.

Then finally a solution.

This solution will not result in the equilibrium that was initially established  and this is how progression of relationships work. Can I just say that this has made me realise that friendships and relationships are not linear its all a vicious circle. BUT I DIGRESS AWESOMELY!

-Mal
'5k to Couch'
Ps-This is me trying to understand the dynamic of friendships. Also friendships are pretty predictable, not timely but by the actions and reactions of people in friendship groups.