HOWEVER.
Reading through the blog has highlighted just how emotive I really am. I will probably log this into my drafts coz it has potential to go left and so quickly as well. My mental state has deteriorated. I am not as okay as I am selling it. I have this weird obsession with wanting to cleanse my body of my 'old' blood. I know this is weird and I know this wont really do much for me but I want to see my blood leak from my veins. I don't know if its because I feel so full of emotion and states of mind difficult to discern. Does the imagery of the blood feel like the cleanse?
I feel nothing of my own emotions or maybe I lack the emotional intelligence to decipher my own emotion and so find it easier to hide behind the emotion of people I feel nothing for?
See as a highly emotive person I can read people's emotions, I could tell when someone was jovial and in a happy mood, I could also read bad emotions all these from a mile away I would leave a room and feel nothing again. But all that has changed, my lack of individual emotion has left me an emotional sponge, a tired emotion sponge, I walk into the room and suck up all the bad energy and it sits on my shoulder, I leave the room and the emotions stick to me. I am carrying around people's emotions and fears and state of mind while not being able to sort out or understand my own.
I am not an emotional person in the sense that I don't make decisions out of emotion, I make decisions based on LOGIC. I don't like feeling like this. I crave nothing but simplicity, I want to go somewhere far and just start over. My body and my mind feel like they don't belong to me. I miss my dad so much its disabling but I have appearances to keep up. I have a job to go to.
I am exhausted tbh. But I have to keep trying, I have to constantly forgive myself and hope the next day will be better. Sometimes it never is, sometimes I fake it so much it almost feels real and most times I just read off a script, nod and smile on cue, crack a well placed joke here and there. Everyday is another chance, to either fuck up, succeed, or just be tomorrow is always a chance to do better. I wanna just absquatulate somewhere far dark and cold. But realism kicks in and pistol whips me back into submission, back into a life I find stifling, back to a life where my most enjoyable time frame is the 10 minute walk to walk and the 10 minute back. 20 minutes of no facade. 20 minutes where I don't have to fake emotion 20 minutes where I can be as I feel. 20 minutes of almost humanity. 20 minutes of no expectations. 20 minutes.
My greatest fear is that someone will understand how I feel. I just need to pause for a while, the storm that will follow will kill me and I feel so hopeless to it. I know what is happening but I just don't have the energy anymore.
See the importance of a facade?
I could do with a smoke
I could do with a smoke
-Mal
'5k to couch'
