Something about God

Okay, so I have totally come to terms with the fact that my dad's family and I have a somewhat feigned relationship that's cool. I don't let what they think of me affect me I have accepted that plus it's not like I spend much time with them anyway with most of them still being in Zambia and rarely seeing my London based uncle. It works out though, I love them because without them there would be no me so I sincerely do love them, what they do with that is their own business. Oh but my mum's family I am well and truly one of them, well considering.  

Anyway that's them there, here I have my mum, and a large extend family stretching from north to south there is so much love in my family and it's beautiful and I am so grateful that I am of that.  

But being gay having mental health in an African household is so much fucking work.  

The last time I had a crisis I was able to heal and deal with that in an affirming space I was sharing an apartment with my cousin and it was very life-affirming especially after what conspired after coming out to my mum. After my internal healing began I went home to Zambia; family hopping.  I basked in the heat of the sun and love of my family as I experienced them for who they were and they me, not as sporadic phone calls and WhatsApp messages it was felt beautiful to be part of something you were inherently a part of, you were one of them until they looked a little too close. It was wonderful I laughed, I danced I cried and importantly I got drunk, I enjoyed my time there and on my return moved to London immediately I was off to London I was off to live my queer dream I was going to find my tribe and live gay, free and wild. 

And I did I truly did, I spoke, I listened, I created, I loved and was loved  in return, I laughed, I danced and Importantly I loved. It was wonderful.  

But Corona has left me in a predicament like most of us out there and I am tired. 

Came out to my mum a year and a bit ago and what happened there resulted in me moving out, I am grateful I was able to come out while financially stable I moved out of my mum's almost immediately. My cousin and I got a beautiful apartment, we grew plants, we danced, we sang, we ate and importantly we grew, it was beautiful.  

Coming back home I realised I had never actually stopped enough to process what happened that summer in that house. And what it means in a time like this what it truly means.  

I love my mum truly deeply and I have forgiven her and myself for what happened.  

But it's not a space I can go to when I am raw and from the battlefield. There is something about going back to a place with the most joy also comes the most pain. The rawness means I feel everything that bubbles beneath every surface I can feel everything. I find comfort submerged in a bath.  I say this because I am submerged in a bath the water almost too cold. 

I have not had to be in the house with my family like this in a long time, I spend a night and I bounce because our relationship had changed in such a big way as I went on to live a life in sin, let's not pretend our parents don't all think the same way. I did it anyway and I was happy. I was comfortable loving them from a distance and in short bursts because the things my mum said changed my life and I didn't even know it. I love my family deeply and they mean the world to me they really do, and I to them. We go on wonder holidays away and I feel so much love especially from my little sister she is my world. 

But with all this underneath going back to the house feels like being put in a cage after being born in captivity, no idea life outside that was a thing, then being let out to roam wild, only to be caught again back to captivity and all because you were caught limping, after a tough fight. It's hard.  

I know my mum loves me deeply I do know that. But during this crisis, everything is so heightened that all I can feel is the judgement that all this is probably happening to me because I am a gay. Having to go back to a place where people believe that being gay is a sin is horrible it eats at your soul because even though they love you their beliefs won't change and when you are healing I think it's better to be in a space can be seen truly and beautifully, or to give you the space to do so internally first, in a space that is physically safe. Because while I have truly forgiven myself my mum and everyone involved in that, I have never been able to see those walls as safe, I feel at any moment they might slip up and remind me of how small I felt in those moments. And everyone will be none the wiser as we watch some Saturday night show, I have never forgiven the house. It was always so good at keeping me before that moment. I always ran back home, until that moment.  

I have never been able to run back home since. The house holds shame. Even though the occupants are prepared to say it ain't so.

But its fine I have built a home in me, I serve a living God and sometimes it just has to me and God. The God that I know, the God who has loved me when no one else did, who held me up when everything else wouldn't, a God who has me here today seeing the silver lining. A God who just needs time alone with me. It would be hard to have to trust them again. 

And it's not selfish.  

She Held Me

This evening I felt the weight of the world crash me, my knees buckled as my body turned into a slushy mess, my guardian angel held me as we broke all social distancing protocol. She held me as I sobbed uncontrollably, she held me as my tears sullied her coat, she held me as if her life depended on it.

The pain I felt like a dagger piercing through my back into my heart, little pieces falling into the abyss. She held me tight as I picked each piece, bit by bit.

For some unusual reason this morning I had decided to carry my rose quartz crystal a heart chakra stone, a crystal of unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion and happiness. This was peculiar because I was filming and didn’t really need to be faffing with anything, I put it in my pocket and went about my day forgetting it almost entirely apart from the odd time I went into in my pocket. 

I was looking forward to a games night tonight with my cousin and a few friends, I watched as it grew bigger but thought nothing of it. I joined the meeting late after losing track of time, already feeling on high alert I turned off the camera and mic that way I was there at least as a spectator chiming in on my turn. After a round of  ‘Who wants to be a Millionaire’ and a moment of  ‘deeping it’ I noticed my laboured breathing as I struggled to breathe, I felt a wave wash over me, luckily I was in the chair or I would have collapsed. 

Noises came out of me and she turned to look at me while putting on her jacket, as I desperately tried to remember how to get air into me. She lifted me and held me, I gasped as the air began to fill my lungs. In that moment I was grateful, I had made it out before and could make it out again, I didn’t do it alone and I don’t have to now. 

I cried for what felt like hours, the stagnant energy truly flashed out. Eventually, I stopped sobbing and my body took this as an opportunity to shake violently, she held me still, as it slowed to a shivering shake akin to going out in autumn without a jacket. I gained back control and was able to hear her repetitive affirmations, and they felt like the finishing touch to the internal rebuilding that was occurring internally.  

She held me when I tried to wiggle out of her embrace until I used some force to free myself, she backed off and immediately cracked a joke, this made me cry a little, she gets it. I quickly stopped crying as I joined in the giggles, my attempts at escaping her embrace failing. 

This afternoon before she left for work she couldn’t find her usual energising stone she carries to work, instead picking the tourmaline crystal, a grounding and security stone. She popped it in her bra and went about her day. 

Coincidence? I think not, God, the universe, Allah - however you choose to refer- puts the right people, with the right skills at the right time in our lives. Seeing her today felt urgent it was something I had to make sure I did if nothing else, I didn’t understand why because nothing new had happened since I spoke to her last. 

She came, we spoke, we laughed, it happened. None of us was ready for what happened. When she described it back to me the image of a controlled demolition came to mind. 

I needed her, she was strong enough to hold me and was the pillar I needed to lean on as I gathered my strength to stand tall. Without her, I would have fallen into the abyss.

The burden of mental health is a heavy one, each day fighting to remind yourself you are bigger than what you are facing. 

I spend more time inward as I nurture my love of plants, creativity, movement and learning. I am learning what being a spiritual being having a physical experience means to me. I am learning I must let the wave pass and not be attached to it, I must mourn what was and what could have been and let it go. I must remember to be grateful for I am in the here and now, where I have the power. I am safe, this is momentary, even if the moment seems long,  it too shall pass, it always passes. 

We can’t stop and risk being consumed, we have to do what we have to do, but must remember most importantly that we have to keep going, by any means necessary. Tell your friend, tell your family, tell somebody you must. 

You have this.

I am relieved every time someone doesn’t ‘get' mental health, that lost eye and confused tone brings me relief because I couldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.  I am also learning that you have to make it make sense to you, only you will know what works for you. Whatever that looks like has to make sense only to you only applies if it isn’t harming you or anyone else in the long run. 

I feel good.  Stronger, taking it day by day moment by moment. 

I can only do what I can do with the skills and tools I have. 

A year 7 student can not be expected to complete correctly the work of a 2nd year uni student. 

This too is growth.

Black Girl Magic

I envied those I loved. 

I lay wretched as my magic healed and comforted them 

Them barely warming my finger 

I never thought I would experience the magic of being loved.

I yearned and waited for the healing and comfort of another’s love

I filled the desire of love with the pacification of my body’s wishes

My wanton body made me forget the magic I longed for. 

The love I gave was the love I needed to show to myself

The magic they consumed greedily now healing me, I fall in love each day as I discover the true depth of my magic. My love feels like a warm blanket, on a chilly night, like a smile in the middle of tears. 

I am healing and comforted by my love as I grow into this awesome ass woman.

Valley Of Death

I am awesome I am power and I am love. 

I have walked through the valley of death and come out the other side stronger than ever. 

I am light I am freedom and I am free. 

Nothing can stop me now.

Be

Often times we get caught up in the act of doing. 

Doing is not inherently bad, it's how we achieve impersonal goals. 

We are always on the move to get the next best white supremacy tell us we not enough as it profits off our creativity and how our bodies. Capitalism keeps us perpetually doing that we forget being. We are told we are not enough and should seek external elements to be fulfilled. Let's celebrate womxn in all their glory just being. 

You babygirl are enough, just as you are. 

You bring light to shade and joy to the soul. 

Connect

In a world of hyper connectivity why do in person connections seem ersatz? 

Self love is the lens of which I  examine, explore and engage with the world around me, its is through this I have learnt to accept what is unchangeable and change what is unacceptable.

Our world thanks to technology is a small place, from our living room we can stream live tv from across the world share the screen with our cousins who live a 5 hour drive away while texting a friend who now lives across the pond. Connection has never been more accessible, from the palm of our hands we are inundated with 24 hour entertainment, beautiful people living supposedly blissful lives, the useless opinions of every Tom, Dick and Harry straight to our eye balls. 

Navigating a socially saturated world offline is becoming increasingly difficult, I assume post Covid this will be harder as we we continue to congregate in our algorithmically sorted echo chambers, we become experts at communicating with peers and eyeing suspiciously the views that differ from our own. Everything online invites us in but on closer inspection often times it is unsteady. 

Lockdown has shown just how reliant we are on a fear based paradigm that reminds us that if our focus is not on our work and others then we are selfish. With the external world no longer accessible the old and rigid ways of thinking can only take us as far the wreckages of past glories.

We can use this time to cultivate more meaning and value into our reality by getting to know ourselves without the noise of the rat race, we are often too occupied with the pursuits of ego to be self aware. Only through this do we gain a sense of inner security and acceptance, we move from reacting to actively creating passion, sensuality and personal depth in our daily lives. 

Improving our relationship with and getting to know self has a ripple effect on the quality of relations in our lives as the walls we build fall to make way for unconditional love, joy and peace. 

While the outside world is out of bounds I find the sweetest and simplest freedoms in dancing, music, laughter, in food and in the silence. 

I am learning that peace is priceless and I am grateful that my garden of peace is blossoming. 

F for Fear

Like the zombie parasites fear burrows its way into us.

It consumes all of us and leaves shells of dreamers

We fear the unknown so we stay in rooms that appear familiar

We fear beginnings so we carry the dead weight of the end 

We fear failure so we do not try

We fear death so we do not live

We fear surrender so we do not ride the wind

We fear change so we become the stagnancy we fear

We cower at the first sight of fear, the momentary heaviness betraying the lightness that comes with facing your fear. 

Can you out run fear or do you simply learn how to harness it? 

P.s Fear without F is ear, so use your ear to learn what the fear is teaching you.