Page of cups

 The pangs of curiosity are at your heels, fret not for curiosity may have killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back. You don’t know what you don’t know and sometimes the thing to do is get your toes a little wet. The feels you are feeling my conjure up fear and call it other names, welcome and explore this new territory, you are safe to do so. 

My willpower and self-discipline will significantly help me in my efforts to move forward

I am free from the need of approval of others
My actions speak louder than words
Solar Plexus - Self Discipline is attainable through practise meditation

Aquamarine -  The gem of the sea. Once a talisman for seamen this stone is a stone of relief a sigh breath, it is a return to home. It's a calming, soothing stone and helps us delve deep into the dark realms of our souls safely. 

Priscilla Renea - Jukebox 

Four of Swords

 You are feeling what you are feeling and that is okay, your feelings are valid, that’s not to say you should be stewing in that which makes your heartache. The presence of a grey cloud does not nullify the blue sky that lay beneath it, you are more than this what you are feeling, it is a bunch of bad days you are not those days nor are you these feelings. Take the time to rest, be intentional and patient with rejuvenation, you running at your optimum will cause all else to run efficiently, it's not the other way round. You are not a martyr, your resting will not cause the sky to fall out. 

Movement is your friend, dance you have plenty to rejoice for, if you could get your head out of your ass for a second you will see that what is around it was once merely a prayer.
It might not feel like it so much right now but you have the power of choice on your side, choose clarity the intention in itself is enough if it is all you can muster. 

I recognise that knowledge and information comes to me in form of intuition

I aim to understand the truth behind situations that come my way and respond with wisdom
I delve into circumstances from a spiritual viewpoint
Third Eye Chakra - Knowledge is more than what is written in books, your experience is valid meditation. 

Citrine - A stone that embodies the light and energy of the sun, it is creativity, optimism and an energiser.

Marlena Shaw - Spice of Life. 

Ace of Swords

 New is on the horizon, now more than ever is important for intentionality in what you do, it is after all the time of preparation for the winter months. Your vision is becoming clearer in your mind’s eye, let that be your driving force, be assertive, not domineering. The mental clarity you are feeling, use that to make better decisions, put aside ego and let God. 

I trust myself fully and do not let fear nor doubt hold me back

I have confidence in my abilities to reach my goals and fulfil my vision

I welcome questioning as it helps form clarity of my truth and ideas 

Solar Plexus Chakra - Embracing self-confidence meditation 

Selenite - Named after the moon goddess Selene, selenite clears and cleans more than just your auric field, your environments and thoughts go through a cleansing when meditating with this stone. It provides light in darkness and is a reminder of softness.

Banks - Altar

Empress

 You keep undermining yourself and your capabilities. This is in great disservice to you. We are a unique and personal balance of masculine and feminine energy, the feminine is calling on us to exercise our right to choice as we co-create new realities with those around us.

You feel as though something is not quite right, ensure this isn’t fear masquerading as concern by making gratitude lists, highlighting what we are grateful for helps us look with compassion to what may be giving concern.
You have a stake in all that is, be loud and proud about what you desire, what will come may surpass your wildest dreams, dream big! Can you dream outside the realm of capitalism or is capitalism the vehicle to get you to your dreams?

I trust all is good and will be good

 I feel good about myself, this ushers in more peace
I surrender to the power of love and forfeit the love of power 

Heart Chakra - Welcoming peace meditation

Flint - A stone of strength, courage, prosperity, intuition, grounding, limitlessness. 

A grounding stone, one that reminds us of the properties of the earth that we have in us, it helps draw these out of us strength, courage prosperity, intuition and limitlessness. Without these the ground would not yield the diversity of all it is capable of holding, you are capable of bringing forth magic as the earth is, has and will continue to do.

Laura Mvula - Pink Noise

She Held Me

This evening I felt the weight of the world crash me, my knees buckled as my body turned into a slushy mess, my guardian angel held me as we broke all social distancing protocol. She held me as I sobbed uncontrollably, she held me as my tears sullied her coat, she held me as if her life depended on it.

The pain I felt like a dagger piercing through my back into my heart, little pieces falling into the abyss. She held me tight as I picked each piece, bit by bit.

For some unusual reason this morning I had decided to carry my rose quartz crystal a heart chakra stone, a crystal of unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion and happiness. This was peculiar because I was filming and didn’t really need to be faffing with anything, I put it in my pocket and went about my day forgetting it almost entirely apart from the odd time I went into in my pocket. 

I was looking forward to a games night tonight with my cousin and a few friends, I watched as it grew bigger but thought nothing of it. I joined the meeting late after losing track of time, already feeling on high alert I turned off the camera and mic that way I was there at least as a spectator chiming in on my turn. After a round of  ‘Who wants to be a Millionaire’ and a moment of  ‘deeping it’ I noticed my laboured breathing as I struggled to breathe, I felt a wave wash over me, luckily I was in the chair or I would have collapsed. 

Noises came out of me and she turned to look at me while putting on her jacket, as I desperately tried to remember how to get air into me. She lifted me and held me, I gasped as the air began to fill my lungs. In that moment I was grateful, I had made it out before and could make it out again, I didn’t do it alone and I don’t have to now. 

I cried for what felt like hours, the stagnant energy truly flashed out. Eventually, I stopped sobbing and my body took this as an opportunity to shake violently, she held me still, as it slowed to a shivering shake akin to going out in autumn without a jacket. I gained back control and was able to hear her repetitive affirmations, and they felt like the finishing touch to the internal rebuilding that was occurring internally.  

She held me when I tried to wiggle out of her embrace until I used some force to free myself, she backed off and immediately cracked a joke, this made me cry a little, she gets it. I quickly stopped crying as I joined in the giggles, my attempts at escaping her embrace failing. 

This afternoon before she left for work she couldn’t find her usual energising stone she carries to work, instead picking the tourmaline crystal, a grounding and security stone. She popped it in her bra and went about her day. 

Coincidence? I think not, God, the universe, Allah - however you choose to refer- puts the right people, with the right skills at the right time in our lives. Seeing her today felt urgent it was something I had to make sure I did if nothing else, I didn’t understand why because nothing new had happened since I spoke to her last. 

She came, we spoke, we laughed, it happened. None of us was ready for what happened. When she described it back to me the image of a controlled demolition came to mind. 

I needed her, she was strong enough to hold me and was the pillar I needed to lean on as I gathered my strength to stand tall. Without her, I would have fallen into the abyss.

The burden of mental health is a heavy one, each day fighting to remind yourself you are bigger than what you are facing. 

I spend more time inward as I nurture my love of plants, creativity, movement and learning. I am learning what being a spiritual being having a physical experience means to me. I am learning I must let the wave pass and not be attached to it, I must mourn what was and what could have been and let it go. I must remember to be grateful for I am in the here and now, where I have the power. I am safe, this is momentary, even if the moment seems long,  it too shall pass, it always passes. 

We can’t stop and risk being consumed, we have to do what we have to do, but must remember most importantly that we have to keep going, by any means necessary. Tell your friend, tell your family, tell somebody you must. 

You have this.

I am relieved every time someone doesn’t ‘get' mental health, that lost eye and confused tone brings me relief because I couldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.  I am also learning that you have to make it make sense to you, only you will know what works for you. Whatever that looks like has to make sense only to you only applies if it isn’t harming you or anyone else in the long run. 

I feel good.  Stronger, taking it day by day moment by moment. 

I can only do what I can do with the skills and tools I have. 

A year 7 student can not be expected to complete correctly the work of a 2nd year uni student. 

This too is growth.