Five of Pentacles - Daily Tarot

You have worries about external factors, things that are out of your control need your attention. Opportunities and windows are opening left right and centre, do not let the number of choices overwhelm you into inactivity. Make calculated moves, some losses are avoidable if you take your time and not react based on emotion but rather based on caution and logic. 

A misfire may have already happened and you are feeling lost and hopeless. You are not alone, your support system is there for you and can bring you comfort. Let someone you trust know how you are feeling, you don’t have to do this by yourself. 

Amethyst - Energy cleanse. 

I am open to the wisdom of elders.
I know that what my intuitive senses tell me are true.

I open myself to the truth that is within and around me.

I am a conscious creator of my reality

Listen to Khruangbin and Leon Bridges - Texas sun.

Page of Pentacles

The dreaming and visualisation you have been doing is starting to materialise, new opportunities and new doors are starting to open. With all your might and both hands grab it all, material gains are on the horizon. 

You are filled with a childlike energy and joy as are rediscovering yourself, you have not SEEN yourself in this light before and you are falling more in love with yourself. Nature your inner child, laugh, play and dance. 

Black Tourmaline - Grounding.

I find material security without being materialistic.

I am resourceful and responsible for supplying fundamental needs in my life.

I take responsibility for where I am in my life as I move forward. 

I get in touch with and trust my innate wisdom, which tells me that I will be provided with all I need. 

Listen to Alice Coltrane and Joe Henderson - Earth. 

You will want to remember this.

The sky is blue, the sun is out; it's not hot but it is warm enough, the small cardigan your mum asked you to wear on the way here came in handy in the refreshing breeze. The warmth feels as though the sun rays are encapsulating you in a warm embrace, the air enough to blow your hair in the wind. You are here with baba, mum and older siblings, its been 2 weeks since your last outing. 

Baba still goes to work, he laughs a little less than usual lately. We are in the park, everyone is having a good time and baba laughs a little more.

A group of you have met up in the park you ask agreed that the week dragged you laugh because you still you haven’t been able to get anything done. Seeing your friends makes it easier to forget about the work situation; started working at a restaurant in January, a few months before all this, the lack of information plays on your mind often, you are done worrying and are ready to roll with the punches. The ciders were a good idea, you are glad you wore the shorts and not the jeans like you had planned. And to think you almost cancelled this afternoon. This feels good. 

The trees stand erect branches and leaves dancing in the sunlight to the sound of laughter, the noise of activity from the children running around, the parents stopping the sibling rivalry the pants of the joggers, the barking dogs. The leaves green and bountiful after the long cold winter, sway in the wind in gratitude for the sun, and its warmth. 

We are part of something big; nothing we do happens in a bubble. Our actions or inaction causing ripples and affecting the universe. The trees strong and proud and the territorial insects in the grass,  the little boy in the tent with his family, you with your head slouched from the weight on your shoulders and mind lost in a thousand scenarios of should haves, could haves would haves and didn’t. Stop look up and see just how much more you have to offer this reality. 

Let the sun’s warmth penetrate your heart, feel the glory of your being, your presence. Hear the excited shrieks of joy, hear the muffled whispering, see the various ways in which love lives. Smell the chlorophyll and feel the grass underneath your hand. 

You belong here, you are as essential to this as anything and everyone else. Soak in the love and warmth. 

Be present.

On a day you will you can not make it out of your head, remember this day, remember its fullness, sweetness remember how light and easy it felt. Remember you said this is what it is all about. 

Hear me out

When I think of God I think of a source that is spiritual both male and female. The female energy to create and the masculine energy to bring that creation to life, without one life and everything in it does not exist. 

The idea of God being exclusively masculine does not bode well with me because it downplays the role of femininity. 

Even during prayers and things it feels weird to only address a small part of God. 

But how does one continue to learn the forms in which God show up.

Because to me divinity lies in  between the spaces that are certain, in the bits where change brews. Where the truth exposes the contradictions of reality. 

As I grow its fun to challenge my language and understanding of God, its been amazing to learn and watch as God transpires with the universe to clear a way for me in me. 

P.s This is a late night rumble, I might come back and refine my idea or I might leave it  be and continue to explore this offline.

Chosen Lifestyle

Sometimes I think of how much easier my life would be if I was a straight. I imagine how coming out about my boyfriend would have brought joy and the idea of kitchen parties and weddings to my family. I think of how proud my mum would have been at the prospect of me being a wife and eventually a mother. 

I imagine how she would be able to hold her head up and high as she spoke of her daughter who gave her a grandchild I imagine the joy of receiving something she didn't even know she was missing would bring her. 

I imagine her heart warming smile when she comes to visit and finds my husband washing the dishes. I imagine going to her for advice about my household, my husband and the baby. I imagine her placing pictures of my wedding in the living room.

It's kinda sad actually, because no one in their right mind would choose this isolation, no one would choose this constant rejection or perpetual fear of rejection. No one would choose being seen as a joke and a fetish as a life style choice. No one would choose church leaders condemnation. No one would choose this isolation.

I would choose the laughter,I would choose the joy, I would choose the love each time. 

This time I choose me. 

Something about God

Okay, so I have totally come to terms with the fact that my dad's family and I have a somewhat feigned relationship that's cool. I don't let what they think of me affect me I have accepted that plus it's not like I spend much time with them anyway with most of them still being in Zambia and rarely seeing my London based uncle. It works out though, I love them because without them there would be no me so I sincerely do love them, what they do with that is their own business. Oh but my mum's family I am well and truly one of them, well considering.  

Anyway that's them there, here I have my mum, and a large extend family stretching from north to south there is so much love in my family and it's beautiful and I am so grateful that I am of that.  

But being gay having mental health in an African household is so much fucking work.  

The last time I had a crisis I was able to heal and deal with that in an affirming space I was sharing an apartment with my cousin and it was very life-affirming especially after what conspired after coming out to my mum. After my internal healing began I went home to Zambia; family hopping.  I basked in the heat of the sun and love of my family as I experienced them for who they were and they me, not as sporadic phone calls and WhatsApp messages it was felt beautiful to be part of something you were inherently a part of, you were one of them until they looked a little too close. It was wonderful I laughed, I danced I cried and importantly I got drunk, I enjoyed my time there and on my return moved to London immediately I was off to London I was off to live my queer dream I was going to find my tribe and live gay, free and wild. 

And I did I truly did, I spoke, I listened, I created, I loved and was loved  in return, I laughed, I danced and Importantly I loved. It was wonderful.  

But Corona has left me in a predicament like most of us out there and I am tired. 

Came out to my mum a year and a bit ago and what happened there resulted in me moving out, I am grateful I was able to come out while financially stable I moved out of my mum's almost immediately. My cousin and I got a beautiful apartment, we grew plants, we danced, we sang, we ate and importantly we grew, it was beautiful.  

Coming back home I realised I had never actually stopped enough to process what happened that summer in that house. And what it means in a time like this what it truly means.  

I love my mum truly deeply and I have forgiven her and myself for what happened.  

But it's not a space I can go to when I am raw and from the battlefield. There is something about going back to a place with the most joy also comes the most pain. The rawness means I feel everything that bubbles beneath every surface I can feel everything. I find comfort submerged in a bath.  I say this because I am submerged in a bath the water almost too cold. 

I have not had to be in the house with my family like this in a long time, I spend a night and I bounce because our relationship had changed in such a big way as I went on to live a life in sin, let's not pretend our parents don't all think the same way. I did it anyway and I was happy. I was comfortable loving them from a distance and in short bursts because the things my mum said changed my life and I didn't even know it. I love my family deeply and they mean the world to me they really do, and I to them. We go on wonder holidays away and I feel so much love especially from my little sister she is my world. 

But with all this underneath going back to the house feels like being put in a cage after being born in captivity, no idea life outside that was a thing, then being let out to roam wild, only to be caught again back to captivity and all because you were caught limping, after a tough fight. It's hard.  

I know my mum loves me deeply I do know that. But during this crisis, everything is so heightened that all I can feel is the judgement that all this is probably happening to me because I am a gay. Having to go back to a place where people believe that being gay is a sin is horrible it eats at your soul because even though they love you their beliefs won't change and when you are healing I think it's better to be in a space can be seen truly and beautifully, or to give you the space to do so internally first, in a space that is physically safe. Because while I have truly forgiven myself my mum and everyone involved in that, I have never been able to see those walls as safe, I feel at any moment they might slip up and remind me of how small I felt in those moments. And everyone will be none the wiser as we watch some Saturday night show, I have never forgiven the house. It was always so good at keeping me before that moment. I always ran back home, until that moment.  

I have never been able to run back home since. The house holds shame. Even though the occupants are prepared to say it ain't so.

But its fine I have built a home in me, I serve a living God and sometimes it just has to me and God. The God that I know, the God who has loved me when no one else did, who held me up when everything else wouldn't, a God who has me here today seeing the silver lining. A God who just needs time alone with me. It would be hard to have to trust them again. 

And it's not selfish.  

She Held Me

This evening I felt the weight of the world crash me, my knees buckled as my body turned into a slushy mess, my guardian angel held me as we broke all social distancing protocol. She held me as I sobbed uncontrollably, she held me as my tears sullied her coat, she held me as if her life depended on it.

The pain I felt like a dagger piercing through my back into my heart, little pieces falling into the abyss. She held me tight as I picked each piece, bit by bit.

For some unusual reason this morning I had decided to carry my rose quartz crystal a heart chakra stone, a crystal of unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion and happiness. This was peculiar because I was filming and didn’t really need to be faffing with anything, I put it in my pocket and went about my day forgetting it almost entirely apart from the odd time I went into in my pocket. 

I was looking forward to a games night tonight with my cousin and a few friends, I watched as it grew bigger but thought nothing of it. I joined the meeting late after losing track of time, already feeling on high alert I turned off the camera and mic that way I was there at least as a spectator chiming in on my turn. After a round of  ‘Who wants to be a Millionaire’ and a moment of  ‘deeping it’ I noticed my laboured breathing as I struggled to breathe, I felt a wave wash over me, luckily I was in the chair or I would have collapsed. 

Noises came out of me and she turned to look at me while putting on her jacket, as I desperately tried to remember how to get air into me. She lifted me and held me, I gasped as the air began to fill my lungs. In that moment I was grateful, I had made it out before and could make it out again, I didn’t do it alone and I don’t have to now. 

I cried for what felt like hours, the stagnant energy truly flashed out. Eventually, I stopped sobbing and my body took this as an opportunity to shake violently, she held me still, as it slowed to a shivering shake akin to going out in autumn without a jacket. I gained back control and was able to hear her repetitive affirmations, and they felt like the finishing touch to the internal rebuilding that was occurring internally.  

She held me when I tried to wiggle out of her embrace until I used some force to free myself, she backed off and immediately cracked a joke, this made me cry a little, she gets it. I quickly stopped crying as I joined in the giggles, my attempts at escaping her embrace failing. 

This afternoon before she left for work she couldn’t find her usual energising stone she carries to work, instead picking the tourmaline crystal, a grounding and security stone. She popped it in her bra and went about her day. 

Coincidence? I think not, God, the universe, Allah - however you choose to refer- puts the right people, with the right skills at the right time in our lives. Seeing her today felt urgent it was something I had to make sure I did if nothing else, I didn’t understand why because nothing new had happened since I spoke to her last. 

She came, we spoke, we laughed, it happened. None of us was ready for what happened. When she described it back to me the image of a controlled demolition came to mind. 

I needed her, she was strong enough to hold me and was the pillar I needed to lean on as I gathered my strength to stand tall. Without her, I would have fallen into the abyss.

The burden of mental health is a heavy one, each day fighting to remind yourself you are bigger than what you are facing. 

I spend more time inward as I nurture my love of plants, creativity, movement and learning. I am learning what being a spiritual being having a physical experience means to me. I am learning I must let the wave pass and not be attached to it, I must mourn what was and what could have been and let it go. I must remember to be grateful for I am in the here and now, where I have the power. I am safe, this is momentary, even if the moment seems long,  it too shall pass, it always passes. 

We can’t stop and risk being consumed, we have to do what we have to do, but must remember most importantly that we have to keep going, by any means necessary. Tell your friend, tell your family, tell somebody you must. 

You have this.

I am relieved every time someone doesn’t ‘get' mental health, that lost eye and confused tone brings me relief because I couldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.  I am also learning that you have to make it make sense to you, only you will know what works for you. Whatever that looks like has to make sense only to you only applies if it isn’t harming you or anyone else in the long run. 

I feel good.  Stronger, taking it day by day moment by moment. 

I can only do what I can do with the skills and tools I have. 

A year 7 student can not be expected to complete correctly the work of a 2nd year uni student. 

This too is growth.