Each night is a fight.

Some nights are worse than others. 

Some nights I'm unrecognisable, each blow lands with enough force to convince me I am worthless. On these nights it seems easier to cower and pick a method, its not like there is much value to add. 

These are the nights I know I have to fight the hardest, these are the nights I know I must remind myself that I am here.

I must remember that all things have their own divine timing, my demise included.  

I must remember that things that are forced are not mine, my demise included.  

I must remember that in the body, cells perish once their job is complete.

I live and die with each breath.

Some nights leave me black and blue, some nights the recoil leave you bruised.  

I die most nights and each morning so far I am resurrected. 

I guess someone must want me around.

Opium of the People

It is Love

Love is the question 

Love is the elixir

Love is the cure 

Love is the ultimate goal

It is Love

Fuck Julie

I am not a secretive person, I tend to share personal information in a need to know fashion and not on a free for all whim. For my own reason I am careful about the access I allow to people, currently I feel as though too many people are watching, judging and commenting on my life, when they have not been given access to it.

Because this is a time of uncertainty it can feel very overwhelming, as I am trying to grow, strangers feel comfortable enough to comment on my reality. 

Its appears much less difficult - not easy - to not care when the topic of comment is something one has willingly opened up about. But when Julie from Scunthorpe comments about how she doesn’t understand why I put butter and jam on my toast - of course she won’t understand its not her eating or enjoying, nor did I previously talk to her about my toast preferences.

Why the fuck does Julie know how I like my toast? I do not know this bitch. 

This 2020 let’s comment only on things that matter, and things that will impact our personal lives. Theres a lot of shit we can talk about. 

Fuck Julie and the toast. I am not even hungry anymore. Cunt. 

Fret not thyself, I say

Even with the red passport sat in drawer I am yet to feel British enough for it to be an identifier. I have enjoyed and continue to enjoy the airport benefits that come with having a red British passport - although post brexit who knows what that will look like for travel to EU countries-. England feels like home when returning from holiday and I am looking forward to being in my own bed, after a while sleeping in someone else’s bed loses its initial appeal. 

Having being fortunate enough to travel to other African countries, each country felt like a version of home and provided me with home comforts. Zambia is where my family is, where the hearts of people is warmer than the heat, if you fit in the small box reserved for women. 

I had this burning urge to go home, going back to my mum’s house did nothing to quench this desire, I hastily packed my life and went home to Zambia, I was certain this would quench the unsettling feeling that I was perpetually living in suitcases. My life felt like I was on someone else’s holiday, like I was sleeping in someone’s bed, it had lost it’s appeal and I was ready to go home.

The suitcases where no longer just a feeling, I was now lugging them with me. Disappointed on my return the only suitcases I managed to leave behind were of the physical kind, although I do not regret going I had grown and learned so much during my time, I kind of was glad I had one less physical suitcase, because at the airport the suitcase handle broke so it was kinda peak. 

I got back and needed a holiday, I came back having mastered the art of slowing down; you learn by force when you only have electricity for a few hours and your phone no longer connects to the internet. I began meditating and trusting my instincts. Roots began taking form and shape, I was none the wiser I began removing myself from places, things and people that no longer felt good, when things didn’t work out I knew then it wasn’t meant from me and were learning blocks, I began to trust the process of mourning the hard work and celebrating the opportunity presented to grow.

I lay in bed one night and realised I felt at home for the first time, the irony of the fact that the bed I was in was not my own made me laugh at the knowledge that the suitcases in the corner of the room where the only ones I was carrying at that moment in time. I am learning and finding comfort in the fact that nothing can cut my roots, I belong and no one can take the earth beneath my feet.

I guess home really is where the heart is. 

I am going out in nature more and ensuring my plants are growing healthy. I am grateful each day of being. 

P.S - Plus you know no where will ever feel like home if I don’t feel at home in me, in England despite my papers I am too black, too African, for these reasons and many others I am reminded daily that I don’t belong, and in Zambia I am too gay too British, for these reasons and others I am reminded I do not belong unless I conform. I won’t win trying to break my back doing things for the benefit of others while shunning my own needs. I do not win if I am beefing all of my own moves. 

Never get used to

I guess you always knew eh, the text said it but we brushed over it never to speak on it. 

I hid it till it started to eat at the very core of who I was, my world crumbled faster than you can say 'a gay'. It felt like I failed you in ways that made all your sacrifices seem in vain. The seed you had sown eaten by the early bird.  

It wasn't eaten bro, just needed some extra care.  

It's not all gloom and doom though, I found love, first within me. I have never seen myself more clearly than I do now, I am able to be kind, and stern when it calls for it.

I found romantic love and although I can not compare, I am starting to understand when you said  'a thousand woman do not compare'. This love feels like after lifetimes of trying we finally getting it right, the universe is on our side.  

I found unconditional love for my family and friends, even the ones for which I must love from a distance, this love also carries to cameo friends, those that taught the lesson and left. 

I am preparing myself mentally, physically and spiritually for the abundance that is about to hit my life. Me 6 months ago would not have imagined the things I am doing now and continue to do, growth is beautiful. 

Thank you for your guidance and love.

P.s big up the ancestor dem!! Teaching and protecting the goods - we are the goods - since forever and a day.  

Not a fitness tip

In the middle of the bodypump class as I watch my thighs wibble long after I stopped moving and as my glasses and shirt continue to be drenched from my sweat, this is the proudest I am of the team work that my mind and body are capable of.  

After years of gyming I am now mentally and physically capable of keeping up the pace with my classmates albeit out of tune.  

The ability to cheer myself on during the sessions distracts my mind long enough for me to think objectively about my life and the lessons I may be missing and the direction I want it to head. While my mind giggles at how silly I look in this class, I think about my woes and how I may be misreading the facts in. In that moment I am capable of seeing my own strength and that empowers me.   

Every week we say we will give up this and that in a bid to get healthy. We know that the crispy vegan rolls, chips and cider - we all have our own variation - ain't doing us a world of good, counting the days between poops, yet we continue to indulge our bodies.  

But exercise is where you come to talk the walk you have to look after your body there and then, slack can result to injury. Bad form can literally cause damage. 

You come home and you know that was good coz your body feels good you feel good, you know that eating continues this feeling of goodness, yet you reach for the oven no effort quick food. You know what you are eating is only good for the right here and now and holds no nutritious substance. Convenience wins most nights. 

This year my intention is to stop empty convenience, limit the amount of nutritiously empty food I consume, limit the amount of media, especially that lacking substance and pazzzazzz. I want to use this time to fast, read books, make friends, make money, travel the world, cum in different hotels, explore the unexplored, laugh at the wibble of my thigh and to live my bestest of life. 

Basically big up the exercise, special shoutout to the gym and the gym class massive!

P.s Its simply to acknowledge how awesome working out makes me feel, how I can feel the muscles of my mind strength at the same time those of my body do. A recommendation of exercise, I guess it is a tip aaaaah, am I straying from the mission statement? 

I don't know depends on how you feel. 

What they don't say

as the distance between friends grow, the nerves that once held them strongly thinning with self discovery, time and geography causing further impairment.

on the surface, the nerves seem damaged beyond repair, minor surgery to snip what must be of little to no use.
what can't be seen is how we discovered the nuance and greys of life, 
how we laughed through the growing pains of adolescence 
we danced to Vybz and sang Weeknd, drunk and unafraid to conquer it all

what you do not say often is that you are sorry. without them you wouldn't have had the courage to go after what it was your heart desires and we take for granted the people who have our back. 
I am so proud of the persons you are becoming and I celebrate you daily.

all this and more remain unspoken but our connection still strong, reliable. 

p.s hey we made it in 2020 this is my ode to you. I love and will forever be grateful for your life. watching you live your best unapologetic life fuels and inspires me.

May 2020 shower you with abundance.