De- lay

So for a while I have been aware of how little I have posted.  

Every time I read what I have written, I am filled with sadness, but also with joy. 

 

I have come so far, and I have yet to go.  

I am greatness 

I am no longer worried about writing about my previous state of mind 

Initially I worried I would be re living the emotions too soon 

But I lived through that so I can be my most awesome self.  

She is back, again.  

7 (Seven)

I have missed 7 postings. 

I know. 

It's not out of desire to miss them, it was driven both by an intense highly functioning relapse and hesitance in sharing what was written as at the time I couldn't see the woods from the trees.

I was in the depth of it. 

And this ain't that kind of blog fam, this is a post- processing, processing unit. 

I am currently in Rwanda.

So this post is a pre post post.

I am back butchers.

P.s I wasn't back because Rwanda was a TRIP lol. 

This can't be life

When I am hyper aware of my existence nausea and fear wash over me like a cold shower to a wanton man. 
Waking me instantly.

'Talk' they say.  

'A problem shared is a problem halved', they chant. 

Well okay 

I am loneliest in fully packed rooms.  

As I enter a room I fantasize of the numerous ways it could end. 

I imagine choking on my own breath, more times than I care to count.  

Most times I feel like a pressurized propane aerosol can.  

Yearning, waiting to release a cloud of blood and tears.  

Silence,

Slow blink, fear
Slow blink, disgust
Slow blink, confusion

Bewilderment 

I spoke and your reaction shouted back at me

Your mouth unmoving  

I say I am joking

Lighten the load for you 

Clear the air for me   

Have you seen the Jihad John documentary on Channel 4?  

Swiftly change the subject 

The chains tightening around me 

The distance between us widening.  

Our realities becoming incongruent.  

Fuh the Culture

'Hi cuz' the text usually begins, then awkward conversation that has a destination complete with diversions that lengthen the journey. Then the long awaited 'Sis send me some money, even kidogo kidogo £50 will do,napapata'. Amazambians we do not papata often so you know its real. Always real. 

Also £50 is a lot of money guys. I stand by that. 

Both parties are usually aware where this message is going from the initial 'Hi cuz', but it's an intrinsic dance and everyone has a role to play. I must clarify, not all 'Hi cuz', texts end like this and I am grateful for that. Coz it does go without saying, but some of weren't taught comprehensive reading and it shows.

We speak and joke frequently about 'Black tax' and the multiple 'businesses' that our parents have sponsored. We laugh at the idea of having to explain to a non African partner for them to say 'why don't they just get a job'. Unnecessary stress. Yes it's a generalised 1D way of looking at people but some of you groups are mad predictable. And it's about time you were stereotyped and humbled. 

As someone who dates exclusively black - it's not racist, my best friend's mum's husband's neighbour's dog's owner is white - I thought aaah there are so many cultural bullets I am dodging here by dating black.  

But since being with my partner there are so many culturally things and aspects that feel even alien to broach as mere conversational topics.  

How do you start conversations about money you send back home knowing you sending it with no expectation of coming back? How do you talk about things like lobola? How do you talk about language and how our proximities to the English language and Englishness are so different that we might as well might have grown up in different countries? How do you talk about the importance of language, how its weaponization means certain words feel weird from my mouth and when heard make me shift in my seat. 

The questions and curiosities lay both ways I am sure - if not this is a tad awkward - that's the fascinating thing about intercultural dating, you find out how the other half live.  

P.s - I ate fucking snails, ass and flipping foie gras, each a delicacy in their own right. One I won't be trying again.  

P.p.s - Its interesting how we see the world and interact with the people in it, thats not all based on cultural aspects but their significance can't be overlooked. 

  

Penny for your thoughts

Stories of working parents struggling financially are becoming more common and getting closer to home, what was once something that happened to a friend's, friend's, friend's relative is fast becoming a friend's struggle. If the reality for working parents is the absurd cost of childcare, and the ever raising costs of living, coupled with stagnant wages, what is the reality for parents at the miracle of social welfare? 

While I am aware I do not have solutions to these issues I think its very important to critique and highlight, just because it doesn’t affect you directly, doesn’t mean you shouldn't be outraged by some of the stories that come out. A lot of stories will get lost in the noise that is Brexit, a story that recently - at time of writing - caught my eye is the story of the MPs and the Credit Cards.

Another expenses scandal, this time 377 MPs had their credit cards revoked. Devizes Mp and energy minister Claire Perry, used her credit card to claim for her adult children , the kids are aged from 17 to 22 -  the rules are she can claim till they are 18 -, she even used this card to pay for her Amazon Prime subscription. Its almost forgivable tbh, at least she gets next day delivery on us, I just hope she didn’t use it to do pay per view movies on Amazon, my beef isn't Amazon and their Prime ways though.

Claire Perry I can almost roll my eyes at. The name that had me so flabbergasted, the irony slapped me like wet fish. It was wonderful experience.

Amber Rudd, my friend, this is dedicated to you.
My gyal, the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, her role is to essentially look after everybody and their mama. Her voting history shows someone who has no regard for poor folk, she has voted consistently for a reduction in spending on welfare benefits, and she is just trash.

Rudd has had her credit card suspended more than 10 times. Just incase you miss the irony. The woman tasked with looking after people, the woman who consistently voted against raising welfare benefits in line with inflation, the woman whose office has literally killed people, their policy is murderous, if people in a welfare state are dying of poverty is it not murder?

'We had 7.50 and needed to buy baby wipes, nappies, dinner and our own dinner', 'My credit hasn't been paid for 8 weeks, my rent is unpaid and they threatening me with court action'. The frequency of these conversations is becoming worrying, but not as worrying as the reactions of people, those who tell these people that proper saving is the only way to get out of their situation. How when every penny has to be maximised?

How do we expect someone who has a diminished sense of monetary value, a suspended prepaid credit card isn't indicative of knowledge. When the welfare system is abused and misused*, can we really blame recipients when our own Secretary of state is doing low low penalty free fraud?
TBH Tax payers should have formed one big avenger and beefed the whole parliamentary credit card system, just give them fuel allowance, make them live the way nurses live. 

P.S ** A system of misuse and corruption - lets call it what it is sha-. has been natured how do we expect recipients to be honest and trustworthy when even the Mps aren't held to the same standard. But what do I know my country doesn't even have a welfare system. 

Broken system

Where do people go for help in a broken system?

A block of self contained flats about 60 give or take 10, fill these self contained flats with young vulnerable people and have 3 underpaid and overworked staff members.

The people here come from the care system, dysfunctional homes and what have you. Most of them under 30, mix in mental health, substance abuse and you have a hotpot of mayhem, a whole world unseen to the wider public and ignored by lawmakers. These are the victims of a system that allows services including, mental health services to dwindle to criminal inhumane levels.

'Bob' is autistic and has learning difficulties, he has bounced from supported living, to this block of flats where he has been served with an eviction notice, but this young man doesn't understand the severity of his situation and there isn't anyone helping him. His friends all hooked on various drugs use him continuously to run errands for him ranging from getting meal deals to running drugs across town. He is a vulnerable man over looked by society and a hidden statistic. 

Without the right support 'Bob' will be on the streets and once on the streets theres it's a 50-50 probability he will be on some kind of substance. Is this not based on proper statistics he either will or he wont. 

'Bob' isn't the anomaly in this place, he is the norm, until people know and understand how desperate his situation is, he is on the fast track to homelessness where he really will be lost in the system, a mere face in the streets.

So where should 'Bob' go for support or help?

Check in Check up

Yo yo yo!!

Fam!

By 'fam' I am referring to you my one reader - I see you my G, I do this for us -. 

After a month, yes we celebrating a month, end of. After a month of successful posting I want to say why do I stop each time with this shit, it's so therapeutic.

But then honestly it's because happy shit barely rouses anything worth jotting down. I am not saying I don't want happy stuff, what I am saying is that I like to shine a light on sadness/injustice and generally not niceness because what is in the dark must come to light.

It's like 4am I am not sober I am tiyaad. 

P.s I am sure if I sat down and actually thought and wrote this I would make a point, but however this is just a filler post and you read the whole thing. Your country loves you.
P.p.s anyone with a physical copy of Gaddafi's GreenBook holla me innit. I will give you a shout out on all my super active socials.
P.p.p.s snoring friends are only funny when you are awake.