F for Fear

Like the zombie parasites fear burrows its way into us.

It consumes all of us and leaves shells of dreamers

We fear the unknown so we stay in rooms that appear familiar

We fear beginnings so we carry the dead weight of the end 

We fear failure so we do not try

We fear death so we do not live

We fear surrender so we do not ride the wind

We fear change so we become the stagnancy we fear

We cower at the first sight of fear, the momentary heaviness betraying the lightness that comes with facing your fear. 

Can you out run fear or do you simply learn how to harness it? 

P.s Fear without F is ear, so use your ear to learn what the fear is teaching you. 

Liberation Revolution or Work

Collectively we had decided 2020 was our year of manifestation, we wrote our plans, made our vision boards, we held our hands open, our smiles gleaming, our hearts were ready for the goodness that was going to befall us. After all we deserved it, 2019 was hard. 

The system is breaking down just as consistency became more than a vague concept, the loss of control can have a devastating effect on our mental health as we watch the systems that once crashed us, fail before our eyes.
The feelings of control melting away as we continue to ravish Covid related content, the jokes and misinformation feeding the fear causing us to seek out even more information to supposedly discern false information. All this while being fully aware of what we need to do to protect ourselves and our loved ones. 

The time for rest and rediscovery is now, while numerous twitter threads are encouraging us to chase the money, to grind and grind until we can’t grind no more. The shackles of capitalism have been loosened, we can dance them free as we choose to choose to put humanity before profit and picking ourselves each moment. 

Often times it is easy to be unsure of what to be grateful for, especially when you are on your last tenner, you are sofa surfing, you don’t even have the car you put on your vision board, you are a mess. 

Although it doesn’t always feel like it waking each day is a blessing, plus if we are being real with ourselves in England we have more rainy overcast days than we do sunny days. 

There is always going to be something we needing or wanting, beauty lies in being present. We acknowledge our individual power and stand in that, as opportunities start to sprout where once was arid. 

I say all this to say 2020 can still be ours collectively. The system imploding has provided a brief moment to pause. A time to dispose of that which no longer benefits us, while nurturing that which brings us closer to our goals and purpose. 

Collectively this is a time to connect and sow seeds of community that can continue to grow once we are free. Nothing has to stay the same after this, we can move away from symbolic baseless acts. See clapping for NHS.  

This is about the inherent sacraity of our lives, making sure that even when chaos ensures we are still able to be loving to self by way of rest. Also acknowledging that because rest and health are politicised, we must use this time to rest and prioritise our health as an act of liberation and protest.

Globally the time for a revolution is now.

‘The practise of love is the most powerful antidote to the politics of domination…it is only love that transforms our personal relations and heals the wounds of oppression’ Bell Hooks

Cup of Fives

A commitment to healing changes the way we interact with everything inside and around us, almost drastically. We become better acquainted with ego we are capable of identifying, recognising and naming it. Theory goes if you can name it you can fight it.

We remove ourselves from what no longer serves us, and live in bliss rarely thinking of functionality of the systems in place; a ruler does not think constantly of floodgates in drier times. We go through knowing there is something in place. 

We become possessive of this bliss and incubate ourselves, fear of losing this to some trivial happenstance. We must be protective of it. Life isn’t always like these feel good quotes we dash around, sometimes it doesn’t make sense, we just have to respond and react according to what the situation or change calls for. 

When ego wants to rear its head, we know whatever is going on is not for us. The disconnect that ego creates forms a cling film like barrier between what is happening and our sense of self, usually this is when the call for an emulsifier intensifies. We intake in hopes of out putting something that heightens the illusion of unity. If we can’t beat them we must join them. We push through high and drunk, ignoring the silent nudges to put it down and go home, we laugh and talk louder hoping to drown out the cues to get out. We so used to this discomfort it’s become an integral part of our social outings. 

I am learning that mourning is part of growth, we must mourn what we thought we understand, we must mourn what we have redefined. Holding on to the past takes up space and can morph into shame. I am learning that there is goodness all around us, sometimes we have to change our perception. I am learning God really has created a world in which we just have to reach out and get what we need, while yes this is very reductive coz while yes we can reach out and get what we want, there can be factors that can stand in our of realising our desires, perseverance, consistency, determination and passion mean that even deterrents do not throw us off completely. I am learning moments of discomfort are just teachable moments if I harness them completely. I am learning that Lil Wayne is actually a timeless artist, and his old music is very much still very viable and consumable. #noceilings

P.s We theorise and hypothesise how we will react when faced in situations that force our guard up. But all we can do in very situation is stay true to ourselves, some things we can't just leave but self preservation is a must however that must look like. We must always remember to be kind and loving to ourselves each time. 

Substance Abuse

 We look at out lives and wonder why we feel so empty. The food we eat, the media we consume, the drinks we drink often times empty as we settle for convenience. We participate in yoga void of meaning as we stretch unconsciously, with little regard to the original goal of the practise, we think we are who we think we are, our lives are just pacification of the demands of the mind as if that is who we are. 

We buy, we drink, we fuck, we eat in hopes of filling something with feeling within us. This is a fleeting satisfaction. We seek friendships and keep friends who subtract energy and time from us yet they add nothing but misery. It’s the loneliness we fear.

We follow blindly leaders who shout sweet nothings confidently, it must be true if they say it confidently. Their actions echoing the nothingness as they consume the sweet in form of profit. 

We pay before we pray in hopes our tithes will push out prayers to the front of queue. We pray to gods who divide us into them and us, they will burn in the pits of hell while ‘us’ enjoys the spoils in heaven.

We introduce ourselves by emphasising our job titles as if the foundation of our identity lies in ‘IT Manager’ 

Everything we consume takes us away from each other and even further from ourselves, as everything we do is framed in the dimensions of the IG square. The individualistic pursuits an abnormal division. 

How deep is your love?

We desire to be loved deeply, truly and unapologetically as we are. Exactly as we are. We seek to be seen by others as a validation of that love and an extension of our identity. We yearn for our burdens to be shared, especially when our knees begin to buckle at the weight on our shoulders. We want the kind of love that shields us from the gust of the outside world. The love that laughs and dances even when no joke has been shared nor music played. 

We seek all that but are we truly capable of providing this kind of love?

Can love flourish outside ego?

Can love be unconditional, if it comes with conditions?

I am learning and accepting that people can only love to the capacity of their perception. 

When people can reject or withhold love because of something as trivial as identity, or when people’s love is based on what they think you should be doing, even when people’s love is based on exchange obligation. This level of love is on them especially so if you are capable of loving these people despite of the things. 

I am learning that unconditional selfless self love is the greatest force, once you begin to love yourself as you truly are. Like no one has ever walked a day in your shoes, how can they know how to love you unconditionally when they are incapable of loving themselves. 

I am accepting that the external stuff should serve as the cherry on top, not the substance by which self worth is measured. 

There will always be a reason as to why someone has justified to withhold love. Let go and let God. She knows what she is doing. 

Light

Tonight I held light in the palm of my hands. 

I tried to capture it, it slipped between my fingers. 

Weightless it danced with ease as it moved from my palm to my forearm.  

The shadows darkened, almost engulfing the stray light now on my finger.  

Its fragility highlighted by the growing darkness. 

As the last of it is finally swallowed in darkness I struck by how much light is actually in dark rooms**. 

P.s There is always light, we might not see it we might not feel like it's there but there is always light. Somewhere no matter how seemingly small. 

What growth feels like

Growth fits differently once you start to see and acknowledge it. 

Growth starts to feel like the figure hugging curve riding dress that fit like a glove.

Growth starts to feel like dancing to your favourite song as the sun’s lights join through the open window. 

Growth starts to feel like a smile in the midst of a storm.

Growth starts to feel like the lifting fog on a low visibility morning as you drive to work.

Growth starts to feel like reassurance, every heavy heartbeat will ease eventually.

Growth starts to feel like once that lump in your throat dissolves to tears, you will get over this.

Growth starts to feel like ‘yer, ride this out, ride it all out, because tomorrow we not doing this’ and feeling strength in that.

Growth starts to feel like acknowledging ‘yes you are scared, yes this isn’t how you imagined it working out, yes, yes, yes’ but also knowing you have survived much worse.

Growth starts to feel like yes it stings but what to do, we move. 

Growth starts to feel like creating even when everything is screaming for you to pacify your heavy body and lay in bed. 

Growth starts to feel like the harnessing of the energy, letting it go and not hoarding what is of no use. 

Growth starts to feel like acknowledging pain is not permanent, nothing but love is. 

Confusion is futile in this game, you roll with the punches or risk being left behind, it all keeps going, with or without you. 

You have to show up play your part for you

Growth is remembering that things go forwards, always.