The gist of it all.

In front of me a new employee is trained by a manager, next to them a colleague has searched 'cancer' into his email. Opposite the manager is a young man staring at his computer, most likely not looking at a work related screen. Next to him is a man whose head I can only see the top of and behind him two, one on his phone one in his emails. In front of me there's 12 or so rows where this or scenes like this play out.  And behind me a mere 4 rows.  

If it hasn’t dawned on you yet, I am in an open plan office. Where the day starts with murmured greetings, tapping keyboards, polyphonic ringtones, numerous phone calls occurring simultaneously, sneezing - Jesus so much sneezing-, whispering, tapping, knocking, chewing, every type of noise imaginable, at every level of irritation.  

You wouldn’t be mistaken if you walked in and immediately visualized a greenhouse, with the large double glazed windows, the orange toned lighting. The only thing that grows in this greenhouse is the toxicity that is fertilized from the higher echelons of management and allowed to sip its way through to very depot, department and team.  

The swirling chairs and the cleared throats that make way for whispering are one of the most sinister aspects of working in an open office environment, at my particular office some of the whispers include, judging colleagues' ability to provide for their children – nothing prompted this, no unusual bruising on a child's shin, not a wayward comment about a child, nothing-, how black guys are thieves – the man applied for a job-, giggles were shared when they suspected a slimmer framed workmate had an eating disorder-  this prompted interrogation every time food was mentioned or seen, and my personal favourite – two black colleagues cannot be friends, unless they fuck. Obviously this is simply scratching the surface of the whispering.  

Spending 12 month where I am, I am convinced that there is some kind of mass hysteria. 

Initially all the cold sweats, the pains, the dizziness, tight chest, the faintness, was explained by something, maybe my sugar levels too low, the broken sleep got a lot of the slack, I would catch colds and flus like it was nothing. Always tired and frustrated I started to take vitamins in hopes once my vitamins are at least levelled I would be energetic at least. Or so I thought.  

One morning while laid in bed, my alarm went off. Unbeknownst to me this was the start of an ugly ugly wake up style.  

With my heavy heart weighing heavy on my chest, like sleep paralysis, but all I could see was the carpark at work, and the large purple logo engulfing me and my car. I giggle now but believe me it's scary as fuck.  

It was then it dawned on me I was anxiously depressed from Monday to Friday from 6-6 and free on the weekends and days off. My mental health was affected in shifts I thought it was great and would make it manageable. My triggers were clearly work.  

While I was trying to get my head around this new epiphany,  the whispers intensified and because I was tired, tirreeeeeeed. I got HR and my line manager involved I couldn’t be coming for work always feeling like one more polyphonic ringtone would make me jab a homemade pen worked into a prison style shank to the neck of the nearest fucker.  

Then they told me all my feelings were just opinion and I shouldn’t care what others think of me. I sat in that room fighting back tears. So I did what I had to do and kept coming to cesspool of toxicity.  

Months passed and I was barely coping at work, but who would listen if I spoke up again, I just had to make sure my life outside work was full of life and joy. Only that there is no such thing as work life and life, FAM its all just life.  

Essentially this is about how my 'work life' and life started to merge in violence - metaphorically- and my brain became a cocoon of misery. Side note - cocoon is a weird word coz sounds more like ca-coon, anyway English is not my mother tongue languages.

The depression and anxiety I was feeling at work started to linger, it wouldn’t leave at 6pm and would already be there before 6am, everything I was doing outside work to try and fulfil my life started to feel emotionally taxing and physically no amount of 'doing nothing' weekends energised me. My appetite had practically disappeared and I was essentially force feeding myself, my gynaecologist told me my job will kill me if I wasn't careful, I joked and asked if he would pay my bills, then promptly directed his attention to my spread legs, thats what he was to exam not my work situation. The weight melted off me and people congratulated me on my weight loss, a change in weight I didn't really care for as it was a result of my failing mental health rather than disciplined training and eating. But I would smile and say 'oh thanks', and strike one fierce pose, laughing internally at the ridiculousness of the situation. My mind couldn't think past the next sentence, I was unable to think or even compile coherent sentences,just dropping adlibs, like I was a lil Jon tribute act. 

I still couldn’t say more at work, so they can tell me again that it is in my head? Nuh mate, not gonna waste my time.  

 Instead I kept applying for the few jobs that were around, but not one of them resulted in an interview in anything, now my depression and anxiety cannot and does not take rejection well. I was rejected left right and centre. I couldn’t do it anymore.  

Then the survey came.   

I was perplexed when the managers expressed the disappointment in the results. Turns out I am not the only person who was unhappy in the department. Was anyone going to apologies or at least acknowledge that they swept my concerns under the rug? Was anyone now going to try to get to the bottom of this? Was there anything to change these conditions? If the people who soured the place in the first place are now saying they don’t like it where do you go? Will the western world acknowledge the human rights violations they oversee to protect their worldview? Will the Zambian president put his people's needs above his own? Okay I got carried away. Lets pretend I was hopeful.  

Instead a group meeting where the anonymous survey was questioned for authenticity, where instead of actively trying to look at ways of improving the conditions, people where aggressively questioned about their presence at work if they don’t like it that much. As if anyone's bills will say "forget about me, I am going to take some time  while you work out your work situation".  

My job was killing me, I still need to find a new job.

My job was emotionally ruining me, I would roll my eyes when watching sad stuff. 

I had a breakdown.  

I actively remind myself to eat.  

I occasionally have paralysing anxiety at the thought of being at work.

I was stuck at work with no feasible way out. 

Then my doctor signed me off.

I spent the time reminding myself I am the baddest EVER, with the help of my loved ones obviously big up yourselves. Not to brag but I am pretty cool, ask my harem.

While my experience is not unique but is valid.  

P.s - dude do not let these 'systems' kill you sha, go get that time to rediscover yourself coz the butterfly that flies out that CACOON is worth protecting, celebrating, loving and thriving. It's no longer enough to just live sis, lets motherucking THRIVE.

Keep the people who be blowing your horn when you don't have the strength to do it yourself, they celebrate the hardest when you back to blowing your own.

Peace Out.

p.p.s I postponed my masturbation to rewrite this and I must say time well spent. 

Isms, Phobias and Us

'Well to be honest I voted Brexit because I have had enough of the immigrants, she says this nonchalantly as she sips her tea. Milky, one sugar, as the rest of the group grunts in agreement, the conversation moves to detailed talk of immigrants coming for their jobs, schools and what have you. It's at this point I can't help but roll my eyes in frustration.  

This essentially is a safe space, a place where trans, and questioning people can come for support, and to socialise. Imagine a young black second generation person desperately looking for a safe space walking into that. 

Its undeniable that racism is as British as beans on toast, Islamophobia, homophobia and sexism as British as chicken tikka masala.  

Why we act shocked, flabbergasted bamboozled, when we find out that trans women of colour are at the worse end of anti trans violent sentiment is beyond me.

The lack of UK statistics and studies concerning trans people and particularly trans people of colour, means we relay extensively on figures produced in the USA as a starting point, both countries are built on structural and systematic racism, its safe to assume the findings will not differ drastically. 

While the details of individual cases aren't always readily available, the intersections of race, gender, sexual identity and transphobia conspire to deprive trans people access to employment, housing, healthcare and other necessities, this coupled with reports of islamaphobia and racism in trans spaces, people of colour will join groups and not last long within them, isolating them further.

My friends of colour can go into detailed analysis of the systematic racism and my queer identifying friends can speak candidly of the homophobia in straight places and how they feel this limits them. However whenever we speak of the injustices faced by trans women and especially black trans women all the aforementioned groups act as though their homophobia, racism and bigotry do not push these women to the barren outlands of society.  

When 49% of a population group reports having contemplated suicide and 41% of the same group reporting homelessness at what point does the urgency for action come into play. According to a 2018 USA study in conjunction with National LGBTQ Taskforce the National centre for Transgender Equality.

Empress

'I swear one day Imale I will lock you in a room and we will fight' my mum screamed angrily at teenage me.

See my mum and I then were chalk and cheese, water and oil, flammable substance and a spark, safe to say we did not get on. My father's cool demeanor vanishing when he had to play peace maker. I would push my mum to the edge, not on purpose I just seemed to really get on her nerves and I played on that. For years this continuted and my mother and I grew further and further apart, I never understood her nor her me. But I was cool, my dad loved me, enough for both of them and that was good enough for me.

My dad would always tell me my mum was my only friend, I would snort and roll my eyes at this statement. How was he gonna say this woman is my friend? I was offended, friends dont spend 95% of the time fighting. The other 5% was for sleeping, eating, work, school.

Then our world crumbled, when out the blue, my father dyeed - this is great four lions reference btw - then it was just my mother and her kids, she had lost her best friend, we had lost our father. And yet the distance kept widening.

Then I got into situations I can now identify as ridiculously toxic, but its calm innit I can now admit I was looking for some sort of love. Deep.
At the breakdown of that shitstorm I decided I would come out to my mother, hell she was the only person, I felt who didn't know me. I spent days and weeks mentally going back and forth about telling her, but I felt like a fraud and stifled by my facade.

Then a lot of my black gays know this part LOL. I ain't trying to relieve that.

At this point I became comfortable with the idea of being alone, emotionally. I consumed with the desire to be loved relegated the need for my mother's love to the part where all that is disdained inhabits. I greedily gorged on the desire shown to me with little regard to where it came from, it was never about them.

Laziness killed the wanton beast within me, in time for me to move out of my mother's house.

Turns out this is the change we needed. At this point I started to see my mother not as my mother but as a woman, who had kids.

We started to smile more, together.

And as my birthday nears, I see my mother not as a woman but as a fucking hero bro. The love that my mother continues to bestow upon me has been the most radical thing.

Her love feels like the sun on your face on the first day of summer heat after months of winter. Her love feels like nshima after hunger, like finally getting hot water after weeks of kettle boiled bucket bathes, like the £30 contactless limit. Ethereal.

As hard as the last couple of years have been, she has been relentless and has raised 3 fucking awesome well adjusted independent children.

I realise now that all that time that we weren't chalk and cheese, but rather two peas in a pond. Albeit different boats.

Guys hug your mum man.

P.s - Imagine being loved like this. This is God level love. I am gonna go make my mummy a brew.
Lol jokes I am cosy in bed.

Open Office Fishbowl

The day usually starts with a loud blaring alarm.  

Then my heart drops in a drop akin to how your heart feels just before the first drop on the big rollercoasters. Only that this time there is no jovial under or over layer, a large dark void fills the space that excitement once filled.

I reluctantly get up and out of bed, hoping some debilitating illness befalls me before I reach the bathroom. I giggle at the ridiculousness of praying that a stray shower spray goes up my nose and drowns me. I mean we all know a drop of water can kill you.  

This is suicide ideation I will not deny it, nor downplay it. But these feelings hit me at very specific times. Every morning before work. Showers wash this away and give way to nothingness.

The drive to work usually soundtracked by loud blaring music.  

It doesn’t matter what I listen to, it replaces any thoughts or feelings that might have instead occupied my mind.  

I get to work.  

I sit in the car park to the very last minute. I gasp as I leave my car, it feels like I have entered a fishbowl, its filled just below the point of where I can breath freely, when the fishbowl tips in a particular manner I can breathe. But for the most part I am constantly trying not to drown, my nose filled with the stench of humid dank chemical water. 

15:59.

Relief and a little disappointment that I have to do this again tomorrow.

Return of the Mack

Mate.

So I am back.  This time with a vengeance ngl I have heard this before somewhere, maybe in a movie or a diary entry, I dunno my point is my point.

Anyway this time, unlike the other times my motivation is consistency, because now man goes to the gym regularly, enough to not have to be specific, and runs 5km park runs, so why can't she be consistent on a blog right?

You nodded in agreement and I appreciate the belief.

And with this ladies, gentlemen, those that are non-binary, I say stay tuned to this show.

I also want to thank the great cousin Mwambz for igniting the flame, for encouraging me to dust off the soapbox and to clear my throat and to pretend my musings will be coherent and easy to follow each time.

Also I kinda had a mental breakdown and was encouraged to write as a way to express and explore my situation. That is also a motivator I guess.

P.S - This time I will try to be purposeful with my edits, but I am not promising anything. Because proofreading is for proofs.

Peeaacceeeee.

Ultracrepidarian

As far as unsolicited messages go this one probably made you roll your eyes when you saw it was. As it goes I don't blame you fully for that reaction. Just a little bit. If I am honest.

There is so much I could say and probably should but I think it dilutes the impulsivity and genuineness of this.

The simplicity and easiness the smiles and the uncontrollable giggles the mid day thinking about you and the late night inside jokes spread across YouTube videos.

I miss you. It's probably because of a myriad of reasons. But because of those reasons you won't know about this. Instead you will know the unanswered calls the abrupt texts and the loud silences.

Why do people smile when no one's smiling?

The first time their eyes met, a tingle went down his spine, he only felt this when he really felt a song; this intrigued him and he smiled at her. She had butterflies; for the first time she was speech and thoughtless, lost in a present moment. They both felt a spark and he approached her.

The first time they kissed everything stood still, they were the only people in the room, in the world, on earth. The first time they made love proverbial fireworks exploded, it was as though a firework factory had gone up in flames. It was beautifully chaotic, destructive and loud. Nothing but them made sense in that moment as they simultaneously climaxed into each other. This was the last first time for both of them, their lives were just going to begin forever.

If you have consumed any amount of media you have encountered this story and numerous variations of it, you have gushed over it and secretly hoped it will work out like this for you eventually. If you have watched any Disney films, listened to 90s RnB, you not only feel like you are entitled to these moments and that you know them like you know the back of your hand. And for a lot of people this is exactly how their idea of love plays out in their minds and maybe even in reality, but unbeknownst to them the cues they have for love have been heavily influenced and shaped by the media. So before you think that the media has played no part of it, its only very recently people used to get married based on their parent’s coupling it was all on purpose for a purpose. In fact some cultures have kept this but because of globalisation, romanticism is flourishing everywhere and people who still practice arranged marriages are regarded as quite peculiar.

Romanticism as an ideology has a lot of flaws, like most things but we do an excellent job at overlooking the shortcomings that are presented, for no other reason than reason does not exist in a romantic setting. Things just happen for the sake of happening, because LOVE.
 We spend an awful lot of time searching for The One™ the one who is our soulmate, one crafted with us in mind. The One™ whose soul and our soul will effortlessly find each other and converge seamlessly; they will get us and accept us flaws and all and us them, those mind warping moments of loneliness will simply melt away once our souls become one.

Why do people smile when no one's smiling?

Its cause their thinking of someone they're loving

Keep on believing we are meant to be and

Nothing's stopping you and me from going to heaven

Sweetest love 

Even the music doesn't exempt us from the influence of romanticism. From the moment you know that your partner or a stranger is The One™ they tell you its easy sailing because the assumption is that the other person feels the same as you do. Music is the universal language so when the instrumental gives you tingles, then Alicia Keys is singing in your ears about love, you start to listen to the music with an anticipatory, almost celebratory ear for when you find the love that she is singing about. Then we start to look for the person who will give us that same feeling as the music, we even expect to feel that feel on sight, without having spoke to that person we just want to look up see the first person get the tingles and BAM thats The One™. We are to trust our instincts with matters of the heart, they would never let us down because well instinct, and this experience is supposedly intrinsic to the human condition.
 

Then the sex, toe curling, neighbours knocking, bed breaking, profanity screaming, eyes rolling back, you get the idea. Sex with The One™ is life changing, it affirms everything about life as spoken by the elders of your religion. The sex you have with The One™ would never disappoint because both of you want nothing but the other’s pleasure, they wouldn't be disgusted by your weird kinky desires because sexually you are both compatible,in your kinks. When yo find The One™ infidelity would not happen, because of mutual respect and open communication.
The realities of sex with The One™ or anyone for that matter is that our fear of being shamed by our sexual partners for our sexual desire means that instead of being true to our sexual selves we lie and conceal to appear appealing to our partners not knowing that they too are lying and concealing their desires for the fear of disgust and rejection from you. If sexual communication among couples was encouraged you would find out that both you and The One™ were both into Kinbaku but because you don't communicate you will never know for sure. 

All this sounds all well and negative but theory doesn't always translate well in reality, but sometimes its so beautifully done that you have to take a breath and savour every moment. In my line of work I have been fortunate enough to meet all sorts of people and have listened to all sorts of love stories. I met 'Raj', he was a man in his mid 30s he didn't believe in marriage and or love after the breakdown of a relationship years back. His friends and family would always pester him to get settle down and he would always rubbish them, then his friend introduced him to his sister in law, Raj and the girl eventually fell in love in and Raj couldn't see himself without her in his life. Only that they had only talked for a week, she lived in India and he lived in Hampshire, they barely spoke the same language and well he had never met her, but the way he spoke so highly of her and how she had changed his perceptive on things other than just love. Then on the flip of that I met couples who met in their teenage years and have grown together for years, they bicker and fight but they have foundations that run deeper than just love.

This whole thing of aspiring to one model of love is detrimental to the survival of love, we live in a time when even the ideology of romanticism has been bastardised. People are praised for having side chicks and for lying and cheating and spreading venereal diseases to their unsuspecting partners. If dialogue was opened up about relationships, expectations while in relationships less people would be in situations where they despise the whole idea of love and become hard shelled individuals afraid of having real connections and conversations with others. 

Monogamy isn't for everyone and neither is polygamy, however the best thing is communication and being honest not just with yourself but also your partners.What will work for you may not work for someone else, so when you settle in a relationship you have to do it for the right reasons.

-Mal
'5K to Couch'

P.s When you are rebelling against the establishment, when you envision The One™ and they are this hero type of dude capable of saving you from all your woes, when you are walking in nature and you think that its the most romantic thing, when you look at the sunset and think wow wow wow love, when you get mad that your matey forgot valentine's day or steak and blow job day, just remember none of that was an individual or original reaction or thought. All the media and society you have consumed has ensured that thats how you will feel and think about things of the heart. 

P.s.s When you like someone next take a step back and see why you like them. What you might find will interest you.