A Hungry Succubs walked into my life

The thing about shame is that it is a ghost that haunts you. First, in your nightmares as a foe so mighty it feels as though at any moment if you do not wake it will consume you into its bottomless unforgiving dark ditch, then in the waking day it's the shadows that move at the corner of your eye, the thing that goes bump in the night. It's a globous sensation that no amount of coughing or spit swallowing clears. 

I have no choice but to do this and to do it like so. 

Some time back I connected with someone at an event, I thought I had met someone who could one day become a mate - making friends as an adult can feel like trying to draw blood from a stone - we spent time together, exchanged books and generally just shared, it was at the time nice. 

This person tried to blackmail me by fabricating claims against me, I refused to pay them, and they refused to go to the police. Instead, they had begun to spread baseless accusations in an attempt to force my hand. Our justice, cultural and societal systems have been built to protect some and not others. It's qwhite fascinating in that way.

Lowkey this feels like shouting into the void. I wasn’t even given the opportunity to share my side of a fundamentally three-sided story. Their version, mine and the truth. I am not here to defend myself - I am comfortable with the knowledge that there are various versions of me out in the world that do not relate to the reality of who I am - I am here to stand with Black men, women and non-binary folk who have been wrongly accused and not given the opportunity to share their truths. As a survivor I am doing this for Black survivors, you are worthy and deserving of protection, defence and a consecrated sense of self. May you find your truth, your centre and may you have the confidence to move from here, regardless of who will or won’t believe or hear you.

I will not be made to drown in the stanky rivers of shame on account of some motherfucker wanting to make money off of me. I am doing this, this way because I am fucking tiyaaaad. Tired. What I will do is take personal responsibility for not slowing down enough to see I was been got.

My joy, my light and my love will not be minimised so that some money-hungry succubus can feast on what I have worked tirelessly to recognise, in myself. Ultimately you will make your own conclusions about me. At this point, I leave the rest to God knowing that my intentions are read and received by those that see me and the universe.

My word of advice is when your life is unsettled and you aren't all there it is not the time to make new friends. Learn from me so that it isn't in vain. 

I questioned my intentions before I clicked share, but this is for the times I needed someone to shout for me when I couldn't; for the 'oh that wasn't fair' whispers in the bathrooms, where the sinks rinsed off any sense of comradery, that lasted the duration of a handwash. This is for the bullies that were only loud because the echoes of their minions acted like an amplifier. This is for the times I thought it was pointless, 'fuck em anyway'. 

One thing about me yeah is that no weapon formed against me shall prosper; I understand that sometimes we must get burnt to know fire is hot, but one thing you should understand is I am not afraid of fire. 

This is nothing new; white people see Blackness and the expression of Black joy as something they have to quell. Historically and Contemporary culture continues to show us valid examples of this. 

For The Love Of You

 ‘This is my sister’, I proudly showed you off to the excited teenage girls. You were my world, every chance I got to brag about you; I the peahen, you the majestic feathers; your round chubby cheeks, and a head full of hair melted the iceboxes that replaced the hearts of many that laid their eyes on you.

Our shared love of music peaking at the nostalgia of you telling a woman her ‘belly nuh bang’, during our first dancehall era and your obsession with Phill collins as a child.

Seeing you today as not a girl, not yet a woman - you are far too young to get it, its okay- who has and continues to accomplish astonishing things fires my heart and spirit in ways that are incomparable. My instinct is to erect watch towers around you, annihilating without question anything that moves - not that I would do that.

Loving you because you are my sister I recently discovered was lazy - sometimes liking you is a challenge -. Choosing to love you as my friend, has been like trying an internet hack for shits and giggles, it working and the realisation of the amount of time, and effort you will be saving without much change.  Like seeing something you have looked at your whole life for the first time.

Happy belated Birthday; growing alongside, learning and discovering this beautiful, wonderful being you are growing into, is a privilege and blessing I do not take lightly nor for granted. 

 I am so proud of you.

Rest assured I can annihilate any threats perceived or otherwise.

May you know only a love that is regenerative, affirming, and capable of holding you in all the seasons of your life; may you have the courage to walk away from that which does not make your heart sing and your eyes twinkle brighter than the night sky on a clear summer evening. May good health, peace of mind, prosperity and creativity know you as intimately as bees know the flowers on which to suckle. May good fortune follow you the way ducklings follow momma duck. May you never forget the love of you which you are from and the lengths this love has carried you and continues to do so.

Page of cups

 The pangs of curiosity are at your heels, fret not for curiosity may have killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back. You don’t know what you don’t know and sometimes the thing to do is get your toes a little wet. The feels you are feeling my conjure up fear and call it other names, welcome and explore this new territory, you are safe to do so. 

My willpower and self-discipline will significantly help me in my efforts to move forward

I am free from the need of approval of others
My actions speak louder than words
Solar Plexus - Self Discipline is attainable through practise meditation

Aquamarine -  The gem of the sea. Once a talisman for seamen this stone is a stone of relief a sigh breath, it is a return to home. It's a calming, soothing stone and helps us delve deep into the dark realms of our souls safely. 

Priscilla Renea - Jukebox 

Desire

Where are you when I need you most? 

Blaming the Panasonic for a lack of desire feels like the easy option, conversations with friends have ranged from longing to yearned for, to the desire of our essence to be the ethanol intoxicating another and theirs doing the same for us, to be consumed greedily with a teaspoon. Ecstasy leading to a blinding climax. 

Fear of sleeping in front of the mirror brought me face to face *ba dum tss* with the realisation that the inability to face the entirety of me cut me off from the ability to see, accept, acknowledge and embrace the parts shroud in darkness. The parts that don't have names just characteristics described by words that conjure chills, fears and led us to cower or frantically seek the nearest light source. Afraid of what they will do if they get a hold of us. 

If all we need is inside us, how do we find the things we seek if we don't know what they look nor feel like? 

I am learning to lean into the safety deeply found in being, evidenced by experiencing the here and now. In this life, there is very little we have to fear -spiders are a legit thing to fear their legs sprang out 360 and their long, round or oval little bodies barely touching the floor moving at 600mph it is very very legit to fear them- got a little distracted there. 

It feels easier to close the lid on what we fear, demeaning these parts unworthy of exploration and tenderness. What do we lose when it's parts of ourselves we put away?  

We can put it all down to the Pangea and that would be legit, what and how we got validation, reassurance and love has changed and even from whom we get this from also has changed. 

Affirm; In this body in this space that is mine, I embrace the nakedness of my being. With curiosity, love and patience I explore the valleys that conceal sacred waters and rolling hills.  

Four of Swords

 You are feeling what you are feeling and that is okay, your feelings are valid, that’s not to say you should be stewing in that which makes your heartache. The presence of a grey cloud does not nullify the blue sky that lay beneath it, you are more than this what you are feeling, it is a bunch of bad days you are not those days nor are you these feelings. Take the time to rest, be intentional and patient with rejuvenation, you running at your optimum will cause all else to run efficiently, it's not the other way round. You are not a martyr, your resting will not cause the sky to fall out. 

Movement is your friend, dance you have plenty to rejoice for, if you could get your head out of your ass for a second you will see that what is around it was once merely a prayer.
It might not feel like it so much right now but you have the power of choice on your side, choose clarity the intention in itself is enough if it is all you can muster. 

I recognise that knowledge and information comes to me in form of intuition

I aim to understand the truth behind situations that come my way and respond with wisdom
I delve into circumstances from a spiritual viewpoint
Third Eye Chakra - Knowledge is more than what is written in books, your experience is valid meditation. 

Citrine - A stone that embodies the light and energy of the sun, it is creativity, optimism and an energiser.

Marlena Shaw - Spice of Life. 

Tension

We are so accustomed to resistance, we think we need some level of it to increase the intensity of joy, we tense our bodies thinking rigidity will ground us into the moment instead of embracing the fluidity our joints afford us.  

The false security of routine means we don't realise how much awe we miss out on, when mundanity takes us so far out of our bodies we don't realise how detached we are from sensation and the need to discover new different ways of experiencing.  

Are there little subtle ways you might be holding tension, that you are not even aware of?  

Ace of Swords

 New is on the horizon, now more than ever is important for intentionality in what you do, it is after all the time of preparation for the winter months. Your vision is becoming clearer in your mind’s eye, let that be your driving force, be assertive, not domineering. The mental clarity you are feeling, use that to make better decisions, put aside ego and let God. 

I trust myself fully and do not let fear nor doubt hold me back

I have confidence in my abilities to reach my goals and fulfil my vision

I welcome questioning as it helps form clarity of my truth and ideas 

Solar Plexus Chakra - Embracing self-confidence meditation 

Selenite - Named after the moon goddess Selene, selenite clears and cleans more than just your auric field, your environments and thoughts go through a cleansing when meditating with this stone. It provides light in darkness and is a reminder of softness.

Banks - Altar

Top yourself

A bright warm day engulfed by a heavy grey cloud that promises a downpour any minute now.  

The coals on the braai red, raw and angry you hear the sizzle of the marinated meat touch the hot grill. Your favourite part is the fat starting to bubble and shrink not long till the rest of the meat starts to brown.  

The lively summer soundtrack backed by belly laughs, crying babies, fed up yet relieved parents, debaters ready to fight to the death for their argument all amplified by the undeniable presence of love, the kind that comes loaded yet rooted in something akin to truth. 

You live for bursting the pockets of oil that form on boerewors as they cook, you grab the tong, it's warmer than you anticipated. The surprising warmth dulls everything around you and now its you, the tong and the red hot coals. 

Your head fills with the various ways this scenario can kill you, flashes of the tong stabbing you and the hot coals burning your body before someone's question about the state of meat brings you back to the present. 

When you think of strength and strong people, include yourself, your battles are valid, your wins to be celebrated. 

Empress

 You keep undermining yourself and your capabilities. This is in great disservice to you. We are a unique and personal balance of masculine and feminine energy, the feminine is calling on us to exercise our right to choice as we co-create new realities with those around us.

You feel as though something is not quite right, ensure this isn’t fear masquerading as concern by making gratitude lists, highlighting what we are grateful for helps us look with compassion to what may be giving concern.
You have a stake in all that is, be loud and proud about what you desire, what will come may surpass your wildest dreams, dream big! Can you dream outside the realm of capitalism or is capitalism the vehicle to get you to your dreams?

I trust all is good and will be good

 I feel good about myself, this ushers in more peace
I surrender to the power of love and forfeit the love of power 

Heart Chakra - Welcoming peace meditation

Flint - A stone of strength, courage, prosperity, intuition, grounding, limitlessness. 

A grounding stone, one that reminds us of the properties of the earth that we have in us, it helps draw these out of us strength, courage prosperity, intuition and limitlessness. Without these the ground would not yield the diversity of all it is capable of holding, you are capable of bringing forth magic as the earth is, has and will continue to do.

Laura Mvula - Pink Noise

Cupture

I find myself embedded in each image, behind each cheeky smirk, knowing laugh, distant stare, in between speaking, in the listening, in each of solidarity, behind each voyeuristic gaze.

Something about catching a glimpse of one's inner state had drawn me to cameras they were a telescope, a confidant. A trusting has developed into an attempt in capturing the magic beheld in each of us, the magic we are so unaware of.

My relationship with cameras is ever-evolving, there are the highs and lows of complex relationships. The times when I want for nothing but to put the camera down and walk away and the times in which it is through the camera that I understand what is around me.

I have always been interested in pictures and their stories, who tells whose stories, do they look at you as their competition, contemporary or something less than? I want to encapsulate the beauty of your magic so others can experience you even for just a moment. 

MalCuptures is an attempt at capturing and sharing truth, love and stillness.

Memory is fickle, pictures eternal, they allow us to revisit, states of being, people, places and joy. 

Troglodyte

The doorbell has been going off for the last 10 mins

The incessant knocking finally drives me into action

 

Reluctantly, I open the door and there she is 

 

Standing majestically in her soft and full purple gown, she flashes that smile 

 

Lifts her bag to reveal a snack run. The simple action shows me her flamboyant rings and fills my nostrils with an intoxicating smell that turns my knees weak each time 

 

I do not want her to come in.  

 

Motionless and lost for words, I sidestep to let her in 

 

No one must know of the guest I have living in my home.  

 

She giggles, the sound comes out distorted and disorientated  

 

Discomfort that feels like a part of me in a way nothing else does 

 

She tells me she has been my most loyal and consistent companion 

 

Recounts stories of intimacy and reminds me she was the spaces that felt like unnatural silence 

 

She embraces me and I feel whole for the first time.  

 

Hanumanasana

 The mat answered the call of devotion that my body yielded to and provided solace. A rush of warm love flowing through as I lie corpse-like in savasana, a welcomed contrast to the February chill. My body signalled now was the time to sort our little problem as I moved to pigeon pose.

I had a couple of epiphanies that afternoon as my hips loosened in my first ever split that ironed out a persistent kink. The first being like the spirit the body is limitless. 

With patience, love and care we can push our bodies to do marvellous things, that will continue to surprise us. Exploring the vast and mysterious possibilities of our true nature opens us further to our limitlessness in mind body spirit. We can only begin to imagine what we are capable of once we let go and let God, things our conditioned minds can not fathom. 

The second is actively listening to the whispers of intuition. The body sends us signals telling us constantly what it needs. Some needs are rooted in hedonistic desires and the gorilla glue grip of ego, destructive and chaotic. Discernment differentiates what is spirit-led and what is not.

I yield to the universe's unfolding plan and open myself to the infinite divine possibilities. 

Safety pin

 I looked around my room trying to find objects that felt like safety, pausing by each item that caught my eye and asked 'are you a harbinger of safety?' the plants were the first to respond 'no, but we are a reminder that life wants to thrive and the right conditions everything blossoms beautifully' with this  I spotted the new greener leaves as they sprouted from between the stalks. I expressed gratitude for the lessons and continued on my quest. 

The art was next and I asked the same question 'are you a harbinger of safety?' 'no,' they responded 'we are the reminder of expression, a place where the unseen can be seen, heard, felt and touched, of release'. I expressed gratitude for the lessons and continued on my quest. 

A pile of books and notebooks was next and again I asked 'are you a harbinger of safety?' 'we provide a fraction of the knowledge out there, a reminder that you a forever a student and teacher, we are a reminder of the beauty in learning'.  I expressed gratitude for the lessons and continued on my quest. 

Next was the schedule that did not await my question and responded 'I am the structure that provides this particular viewpoint, safety wrings its vines of stability around me'.  I expressed gratitude for the lessons and continued on my quest. 

The lion's roar drew my attention to it and I asked it the same question 'are you a harbinger of safety?'  'No, I am strength, candour', the lamp flickered and said 'I dance with darkness so you do not get lost in the shadows'. I expressed gratitude to both for the lesson and continued on my quest. 

I lingered on the elephants the longest, losing myself to the detail in each one, seeing what I had missed before. The irony unmissed on me when I realised these were my safety harbingers 'a reminder of your belongingness, to something greater than you, a testament to the resilience, perseverance and love of those that came before you, we are the harbingers of safety and a sign of your interconnectedness to life and all that is and was'. I expressed gratitude and acknowledged each time I felt the safest and my proximity to a ndhlovu was close by. 

A red blanket caught my eye and I intrinsically picked it up and draped it over my shoulders, instantly I felt like dough left to raise, the warmth feeling like a shield from the cold of the world a safety that allows for divinely ordained rest. I expressed gratitude for the practical show of safety.

Is the marker of safety static?

Katapa

 Katapa is a beloved Zambian cuisine, the cassava leaves are picked pounded, cooked with or without peanuts always with customary tomato and onion because no Zambian vegetable is complete without it. 

Cassava leaves contain chemicals called cyanogenic glycosides, improperly prepared katapa can release cyanide into the body when ingested. 

Sometimes creativity takes this journey from ideation to manifestation; 

We are an accumulation of the stories we heard from our family, our friends once we began socialising outside the house, the books we read, movies we watch and the music we listen to and stories we tell ourselves.

When time to create arises we take all of these stories and filter what is unhelpful, we add myth and the customary desire for completion. 

Creativity like katapa relies on patience and intentionality. 

The mind is a garden filled with trees that bear words as fruits and barks made of ideas. Sometimes overcoming creative blocks is to intentionally go into this garden and pick what is ripe and ready and what can be cooked. 

Coming here like this yields more sentences than hoping and waiting for the block to dissipate at its own will, your openness and willingness means you can create things out of the ordinary. 

The things we like and enjoy may take a little bit more time and effort

Somethings require we exercise our choice-making powers and creation is no different. 

Fountain

 I walked with them for miles in the savannah we got lost in the shared indulgent moments of laughter and hedonistic pursuits of pleasure from time to time nothing else mattered. Many stumbled, others fell and quietly followed the trail to the fountain, lapping at the puddles that led the way. 

By the time I realised they weren't by my side, their thirst quenched and I oblivious to them.

My love for the trek meant in no time someone would join, the excitement of the new familiar yet unknown paved the way for the old patterns of laughter and pursuits to persist. They got lost and I would cut the string that connected us. 

I walked with one who never laughed; the silence intensified the heat; the savannah now arid desert land. I offered my flask and watched in disbelief as I watched her gulp and wash her feet with the last of my water that was to sustain us. 

My laughter at the absurdity winded me I fell face-first into a puddle, my curiosity led me to the fountain. I guzzled the water and wondered if this is how the others consumed something I didn't even know I harboured. 

Finding the fountain quenched the thirst I was unaware I had, I have drunk from it and become intoxicated in it by it. Still enjoy the trek albeit by my ones now. 

Something about change

 Knowing change is coming is one thing acting on that instinct;  a daunting task. 

When we start something, we question our capacity to handle, master and thrive in this new reality. 

We doubt ourselves at every new turn. 

Change is scary, the distance between what we know; leaving behind and what we are yet to experience; speculating feels colossal, worlds apart. The vacuum creating a melting pot of anxieties and fears. 

The prospect of change in a pandemic feels particularly daunting, you know it needs to happen but don't trust yourself enough to leap. Resisting change causes a crescendo of tension declining to destruction. 

Yielding to the unknown turns a caterpillar into a butterfly, a seed into a rose bush and you into the best version of you. Under the right conditions in nature, change is occurring, without resistance. Trees lose their leaves and do not wallow in their loss, they revel at the arrival of the new leaves. 

Unlike the tree, you can create the conditions that allow you to blossom, your greatness unfolding and stretching like a sunflower to the sun. 

All you have to do is show up, take responsibility, be accountable, love yourself as if your life depended on it, show yourself grace no jones. I mean you could show your self Grace Jones coz she is awesome I would encourage you to start here Pull up to The Bumper. 

Each new day an opportunity to be curious and discover the new, remember no one has done this before, any part; being you, in a pandemic while being a slave to capitalism and the grind that says that you canny rest and must remain productive. 

The right conditions are within you, nourish and pour into yourself and watch how beautifully you blossom.

The Hanged One

 A calm and serene hallowed figured is suspended upside down on a tree branch, hands behind back and one foot loosely hanging. This suspension feels deliberate, self-imposed. 

Excercise your divine right to choice and choose a different perspective,  open yourself to the new insight and awareness; in this awareness surrender is a walk in the park. 

Once unhelpful thoughts and behavioural patterns are released an invitation to embrace the opportunities that arise from this change of mind are yours for the taking. 

A call to pause, reflect and rest, when in alignment these signs are aplenty, when unheeded can result in ill health breakdowns etc. Do not keep pushing when the call is heard, surrender and welcome these periods. Something is unfolding within you to prepare you for what is next, resisting will result in more obstacles on your path. 

Shift your routine and your energy will follow, accept and allow yourself to flow with life. 

The pause may feel sacrificial but is essential and will not be wasted, use this time to change your relationship with waiting, doing is not always the best course of action. Waiting can bring much more. 

Waiting does not have to be a passive act. 

I open myself up to omnipresence of love as it flows through around and in me. 

I acknowledge, celebrate walk in my wholeness for I am complete, even on days I may not feel enough 

I use innovation to overcome restriction.  

Eilat Stone aka Stone of King Solomon - Bring forth the wisdom and good judgement to decision making from within. Imaginative resolution and enhance creativity. Stimulate loving feelings. 

Listen to Little Dragon - New Me Same Us. 

The Fool

The sun shines big and bright in the sky as the backpack toting figure clad in flowers, dress and hair dances on the edge of a cliff oblivious to the drop, a loyal companion in the shape of a dog yelps, to warn our fool of the impending drop. 

The fool resides in pure potentiality, looking up and out to the universe and the unknown. You have the wisdom to throw all you trust into the never absent Presence, your journey is just starting, you must be willing to take the first step into the unknown abyss, intuition is guiding, God supports you.

Curiosity, open-mindedness and a sense of excitement are the key ingredients for the adventure that awaits you if you commit to leaving behind fear, anxiety and worry.  

No time is better than the present, the now. All you need you have within you to begin, the creative process of turning inspiration into something tangible can start now. Embrace your inner child and allow for love to flow through you in play, dance and laughter, your heart wants to be free, joy is Godly.

Each new day is an adventure waiting to be had. Opportunity is aplenty. Potentiality can led to untold unimaginable greatness. 

I will meditate and be peaceful and calm in my interactions with others and with the world. Peacefulness comes in me giving up the love of power for the power of love. I invite peace to be a part of my life and I make time to experience my inner stillness daily. I continually develop an inner sense of calm and I trust that everything will be right. Feeling good about myself will help bring peace into my life. 

Anatase - Self-confidence, positive outlook and action. Insight for better mental clarity and a decisiveness that allows one to take control and responsibility of one's life. 

Listen to RIKKI ILILONGA ‎– SOWETO.

The Emperor

A masculine stern-faced figure sits crossed-legged on a large stone throne, adorned with ram horns. The background a concrete skyline as they clutch an ankh. Clouds form yet they remain unperturbed, instead focused. Dressed in red, the Emperor oozes dominance and power.

Your vision is becoming clear as your faith deepens and intuition strengthens. The Emperor shows up to move from ideation into action, by bringing in the structure, security and masculine energy to birth into the physical realm. It reminds us that careful planning, perseverance and an organised approach is necessary when we have visions. 

The use of the innovation and creativity will help overcome any perceived restrictions and limitations to any problems you may encounter. 

This card represents power, strength and success gained and solidified over time, consistency, fairness and humility has earned you the loyalty and trust of many. Conflict does not worry you, you listen to the advice of others. Still, trust yourself enough to make the final call. 

Bound by rules, regulations, law and order, integrity governs your experience. Out of chaos, you create order by breaking problems to their smallest most manageable actional chunks. Stick to your plan until the very end, if anyone can do it is you. 

Servitude is your nature, be fair, be disciplined and follow your intuition. Be methodical in your approach and this world is yours for the taking. 

I communicate openly honestly to express my thoughts and feelings clearly. I share my inner knowledge freely with integrity and without fear. 

I am open to giving and receiving praise and I will be careful not to talk excessively and make it all about me! I create space in my conversations for others to communicate with me. 

I enquire about other’s thoughts and feelings. 

Crystal - Thomsonite - Stabiliser. Lifts brain fog and allow the brain to work at full capacity, you can see what is happening and how to solve it. Encourages growth and removes toxins and blockages dissolves laziness. 

Listen to Black Sabbath - Paranoid. 

Wheel of fortune

The fates are on your side, the ever-turning wheel is showing good times are ahead. Jump on opportunities that present themselves, divinely orchestrated projects are developing an unexpected encounter is Godsend, this will put you on the path to success. Prosperity may come through others but it is not from them, God has many ways of gifting us these successes and these may be presented through people, these people can not and will not stand in the way of what is yours coming your way. 

The enthusiasm and abundant energy bubbling within you will draw all sorts of fortune into your orbit. Do not let impatience upset this turn, put pen to paper whether it is that business idea you had or the novel you have been putting off, this could be the start of something special for you. 

When your crew wins you win and vice versa. Blow your own trumpet; get yourself noticed. No one can pull the wool over your eyes, now is the time to pursue new ventures. Do not let life pass you by, seize the good fortune and you will get to the top, whatever you want that to look like. Get in touch with your intuition. 

I plant myself on solid ground by consistently taking responsibility and having personal accountability for all that I do.

My actions speak louder than words.

I rise above excess and overindulgences. I know I am worthy and deserve to receive good things in life. It is time to enjoy the fruits of my labours.

I am receptive to embracing activities and events that come my way, even those I may have avoided in the past. 

Fluorite - Spiritual elevation and manifestation.

Listen to Simmy - Tugela Fairy