A Hungry Succubs walked into my life

The thing about shame is that it is a ghost that haunts you. First, in your nightmares as a foe so mighty it feels as though at any moment if you do not wake it will consume you into its bottomless unforgiving dark ditch, then in the waking day it's the shadows that move at the corner of your eye, the thing that goes bump in the night. It's a globous sensation that no amount of coughing or spit swallowing clears. 

I have no choice but to do this and to do it like so. 

Some time back I connected with someone at an event, I thought I had met someone who could one day become a mate - making friends as an adult can feel like trying to draw blood from a stone - we spent time together, exchanged books and generally just shared, it was at the time nice. 

This person tried to blackmail me by fabricating claims against me, I refused to pay them, and they refused to go to the police. Instead, they had begun to spread baseless accusations in an attempt to force my hand. Our justice, cultural and societal systems have been built to protect some and not others. It's qwhite fascinating in that way.

Lowkey this feels like shouting into the void. I wasn’t even given the opportunity to share my side of a fundamentally three-sided story. Their version, mine and the truth. I am not here to defend myself - I am comfortable with the knowledge that there are various versions of me out in the world that do not relate to the reality of who I am - I am here to stand with Black men, women and non-binary folk who have been wrongly accused and not given the opportunity to share their truths. As a survivor I am doing this for Black survivors, you are worthy and deserving of protection, defence and a consecrated sense of self. May you find your truth, your centre and may you have the confidence to move from here, regardless of who will or won’t believe or hear you.

I will not be made to drown in the stanky rivers of shame on account of some motherfucker wanting to make money off of me. I am doing this, this way because I am fucking tiyaaaad. Tired. What I will do is take personal responsibility for not slowing down enough to see I was been got.

My joy, my light and my love will not be minimised so that some money-hungry succubus can feast on what I have worked tirelessly to recognise, in myself. Ultimately you will make your own conclusions about me. At this point, I leave the rest to God knowing that my intentions are read and received by those that see me and the universe.

My word of advice is when your life is unsettled and you aren't all there it is not the time to make new friends. Learn from me so that it isn't in vain. 

I questioned my intentions before I clicked share, but this is for the times I needed someone to shout for me when I couldn't; for the 'oh that wasn't fair' whispers in the bathrooms, where the sinks rinsed off any sense of comradery, that lasted the duration of a handwash. This is for the bullies that were only loud because the echoes of their minions acted like an amplifier. This is for the times I thought it was pointless, 'fuck em anyway'. 

One thing about me yeah is that no weapon formed against me shall prosper; I understand that sometimes we must get burnt to know fire is hot, but one thing you should understand is I am not afraid of fire. 

This is nothing new; white people see Blackness and the expression of Black joy as something they have to quell. Historically and Contemporary culture continues to show us valid examples of this. 

For The Love Of You

 ‘This is my sister’, I proudly showed you off to the excited teenage girls. You were my world, every chance I got to brag about you; I the peahen, you the majestic feathers; your round chubby cheeks, and a head full of hair melted the iceboxes that replaced the hearts of many that laid their eyes on you.

Our shared love of music peaking at the nostalgia of you telling a woman her ‘belly nuh bang’, during our first dancehall era and your obsession with Phill collins as a child.

Seeing you today as not a girl, not yet a woman - you are far too young to get it, its okay- who has and continues to accomplish astonishing things fires my heart and spirit in ways that are incomparable. My instinct is to erect watch towers around you, annihilating without question anything that moves - not that I would do that.

Loving you because you are my sister I recently discovered was lazy - sometimes liking you is a challenge -. Choosing to love you as my friend, has been like trying an internet hack for shits and giggles, it working and the realisation of the amount of time, and effort you will be saving without much change.  Like seeing something you have looked at your whole life for the first time.

Happy belated Birthday; growing alongside, learning and discovering this beautiful, wonderful being you are growing into, is a privilege and blessing I do not take lightly nor for granted. 

 I am so proud of you.

Rest assured I can annihilate any threats perceived or otherwise.

May you know only a love that is regenerative, affirming, and capable of holding you in all the seasons of your life; may you have the courage to walk away from that which does not make your heart sing and your eyes twinkle brighter than the night sky on a clear summer evening. May good health, peace of mind, prosperity and creativity know you as intimately as bees know the flowers on which to suckle. May good fortune follow you the way ducklings follow momma duck. May you never forget the love of you which you are from and the lengths this love has carried you and continues to do so.

Page of cups

 The pangs of curiosity are at your heels, fret not for curiosity may have killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back. You don’t know what you don’t know and sometimes the thing to do is get your toes a little wet. The feels you are feeling my conjure up fear and call it other names, welcome and explore this new territory, you are safe to do so. 

My willpower and self-discipline will significantly help me in my efforts to move forward

I am free from the need of approval of others
My actions speak louder than words
Solar Plexus - Self Discipline is attainable through practise meditation

Aquamarine -  The gem of the sea. Once a talisman for seamen this stone is a stone of relief a sigh breath, it is a return to home. It's a calming, soothing stone and helps us delve deep into the dark realms of our souls safely. 

Priscilla Renea - Jukebox 

Desire

Where are you when I need you most? 

Blaming the Panasonic for a lack of desire feels like the easy option, conversations with friends have ranged from longing to yearned for, to the desire of our essence to be the ethanol intoxicating another and theirs doing the same for us, to be consumed greedily with a teaspoon. Ecstasy leading to a blinding climax. 

Fear of sleeping in front of the mirror brought me face to face *ba dum tss* with the realisation that the inability to face the entirety of me cut me off from the ability to see, accept, acknowledge and embrace the parts shroud in darkness. The parts that don't have names just characteristics described by words that conjure chills, fears and led us to cower or frantically seek the nearest light source. Afraid of what they will do if they get a hold of us. 

If all we need is inside us, how do we find the things we seek if we don't know what they look nor feel like? 

I am learning to lean into the safety deeply found in being, evidenced by experiencing the here and now. In this life, there is very little we have to fear -spiders are a legit thing to fear their legs sprang out 360 and their long, round or oval little bodies barely touching the floor moving at 600mph it is very very legit to fear them- got a little distracted there. 

It feels easier to close the lid on what we fear, demeaning these parts unworthy of exploration and tenderness. What do we lose when it's parts of ourselves we put away?  

We can put it all down to the Pangea and that would be legit, what and how we got validation, reassurance and love has changed and even from whom we get this from also has changed. 

Affirm; In this body in this space that is mine, I embrace the nakedness of my being. With curiosity, love and patience I explore the valleys that conceal sacred waters and rolling hills.  

Four of Swords

 You are feeling what you are feeling and that is okay, your feelings are valid, that’s not to say you should be stewing in that which makes your heartache. The presence of a grey cloud does not nullify the blue sky that lay beneath it, you are more than this what you are feeling, it is a bunch of bad days you are not those days nor are you these feelings. Take the time to rest, be intentional and patient with rejuvenation, you running at your optimum will cause all else to run efficiently, it's not the other way round. You are not a martyr, your resting will not cause the sky to fall out. 

Movement is your friend, dance you have plenty to rejoice for, if you could get your head out of your ass for a second you will see that what is around it was once merely a prayer.
It might not feel like it so much right now but you have the power of choice on your side, choose clarity the intention in itself is enough if it is all you can muster. 

I recognise that knowledge and information comes to me in form of intuition

I aim to understand the truth behind situations that come my way and respond with wisdom
I delve into circumstances from a spiritual viewpoint
Third Eye Chakra - Knowledge is more than what is written in books, your experience is valid meditation. 

Citrine - A stone that embodies the light and energy of the sun, it is creativity, optimism and an energiser.

Marlena Shaw - Spice of Life. 

Tension

We are so accustomed to resistance, we think we need some level of it to increase the intensity of joy, we tense our bodies thinking rigidity will ground us into the moment instead of embracing the fluidity our joints afford us.  

The false security of routine means we don't realise how much awe we miss out on, when mundanity takes us so far out of our bodies we don't realise how detached we are from sensation and the need to discover new different ways of experiencing.  

Are there little subtle ways you might be holding tension, that you are not even aware of?  

Ace of Swords

 New is on the horizon, now more than ever is important for intentionality in what you do, it is after all the time of preparation for the winter months. Your vision is becoming clearer in your mind’s eye, let that be your driving force, be assertive, not domineering. The mental clarity you are feeling, use that to make better decisions, put aside ego and let God. 

I trust myself fully and do not let fear nor doubt hold me back

I have confidence in my abilities to reach my goals and fulfil my vision

I welcome questioning as it helps form clarity of my truth and ideas 

Solar Plexus Chakra - Embracing self-confidence meditation 

Selenite - Named after the moon goddess Selene, selenite clears and cleans more than just your auric field, your environments and thoughts go through a cleansing when meditating with this stone. It provides light in darkness and is a reminder of softness.

Banks - Altar