Weeping at WEP

‘Dear Iamle, 

This time unfortunately…’

Once upon a time this type of email made me question everything about my employability and my ability to be a ‘successful adult’. When these emails piled up it would result in a spiral and a revaluation and undermining of self, I berated my self. 

I applied for a great creative opportunity which I thought aligned with what I needed. In a realm I thought I wanted to belong to. The misspelling of my name and the ill written letter of rejection made me laugh, the person they were rejecting was somewhat separate from me, I mean it was me who applied for the job and it was me the email was intended for. Aside from the sigh of relief at dodging a bullet, I wasn’t going to be defined by their inability to see me. I knew what I was bringing to that table and was able to receive it with my head held high. 

On the same day I had an interview with a political party.  I gave a presentation that championed diversity, inclusion. Asked how the role fit in with my vision of the future I heard myself talking passionately about advocacy and activism, the need to connect with people offline. 

After the interview I spoke on a film panel, long time viewer first time participant. I looked forward to this. We watched Jesus Christ Superstar and boy oh boy what a film!

I am learning that life is not half as random as we think, things happen for a reason. No situation is inherently good or bad. It is how I choose to react that matters. I must learn my lesson and let God. 

I am learning that on one can add or remove value from me; its not for a loved one, a stranger, a product or a company to devalue me or to pump value into me. Their opinion of me is just that, something that has little to do with my reality. 

I am learning what is mine will be mine with little to no resistance.

I am learning perception is important, how am I framing this experience? What can I learn from this?

I am learning to sit, experience and explore my emotions in their entirety without sweeping them under the rug.

I am learning I can’t open someone else’s package and be upset that the contents are not mine.

I am learning it’s okay to go back to your goals as a reminder of why you doing what you doing and a motivator. 

I am learning that if it aligns it will be mine. 

I am actively surrounding myself within arenas I want to take up space in, with souls I want to learn from. 

P.s - I had initially written this after the interview before the panel. But I typed it days after and the following was written posthumously.

I am feeling things but can’t quite seem to articulate them well, something like pain - I am feeling maybe I am  an unemployable, how can that be? Something like disappointment; I really felt I would be going into January with some kind of official paid paid employment. I experienced the moment, the excitement the relief I felt that. I am not throwing the towel in but I am acknowledging that it wasn’t the idea result. 

The last rejection of the year hit me a little harder, but after some assistance from my friends I realised the answers this company gave me when I asked my questions were trash, these people would have preferred a token I am sure. The lack of support for members of staff were lacklustre, seems I may have dodged a bullet. 

I was insulted when I was informed they liked me so much they wanted me to volunteer, but they can volunteer sucking this dick!

This rejection couldn’t have come at a better time.

I will be taking up space in 2020 mothersuckers, I will be redefining success for myself and living truthfully in that.