She Held Me

This evening I felt the weight of the world crash me, my knees buckled as my body turned into a slushy mess, my guardian angel held me as we broke all social distancing protocol. She held me as I sobbed uncontrollably, she held me as my tears sullied her coat, she held me as if her life depended on it.

The pain I felt like a dagger piercing through my back into my heart, little pieces falling into the abyss. She held me tight as I picked each piece, bit by bit.

For some unusual reason this morning I had decided to carry my rose quartz crystal a heart chakra stone, a crystal of unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion and happiness. This was peculiar because I was filming and didn’t really need to be faffing with anything, I put it in my pocket and went about my day forgetting it almost entirely apart from the odd time I went into in my pocket. 

I was looking forward to a games night tonight with my cousin and a few friends, I watched as it grew bigger but thought nothing of it. I joined the meeting late after losing track of time, already feeling on high alert I turned off the camera and mic that way I was there at least as a spectator chiming in on my turn. After a round of  ‘Who wants to be a Millionaire’ and a moment of  ‘deeping it’ I noticed my laboured breathing as I struggled to breathe, I felt a wave wash over me, luckily I was in the chair or I would have collapsed. 

Noises came out of me and she turned to look at me while putting on her jacket, as I desperately tried to remember how to get air into me. She lifted me and held me, I gasped as the air began to fill my lungs. In that moment I was grateful, I had made it out before and could make it out again, I didn’t do it alone and I don’t have to now. 

I cried for what felt like hours, the stagnant energy truly flashed out. Eventually, I stopped sobbing and my body took this as an opportunity to shake violently, she held me still, as it slowed to a shivering shake akin to going out in autumn without a jacket. I gained back control and was able to hear her repetitive affirmations, and they felt like the finishing touch to the internal rebuilding that was occurring internally.  

She held me when I tried to wiggle out of her embrace until I used some force to free myself, she backed off and immediately cracked a joke, this made me cry a little, she gets it. I quickly stopped crying as I joined in the giggles, my attempts at escaping her embrace failing. 

This afternoon before she left for work she couldn’t find her usual energising stone she carries to work, instead picking the tourmaline crystal, a grounding and security stone. She popped it in her bra and went about her day. 

Coincidence? I think not, God, the universe, Allah - however you choose to refer- puts the right people, with the right skills at the right time in our lives. Seeing her today felt urgent it was something I had to make sure I did if nothing else, I didn’t understand why because nothing new had happened since I spoke to her last. 

She came, we spoke, we laughed, it happened. None of us was ready for what happened. When she described it back to me the image of a controlled demolition came to mind. 

I needed her, she was strong enough to hold me and was the pillar I needed to lean on as I gathered my strength to stand tall. Without her, I would have fallen into the abyss.

The burden of mental health is a heavy one, each day fighting to remind yourself you are bigger than what you are facing. 

I spend more time inward as I nurture my love of plants, creativity, movement and learning. I am learning what being a spiritual being having a physical experience means to me. I am learning I must let the wave pass and not be attached to it, I must mourn what was and what could have been and let it go. I must remember to be grateful for I am in the here and now, where I have the power. I am safe, this is momentary, even if the moment seems long,  it too shall pass, it always passes. 

We can’t stop and risk being consumed, we have to do what we have to do, but must remember most importantly that we have to keep going, by any means necessary. Tell your friend, tell your family, tell somebody you must. 

You have this.

I am relieved every time someone doesn’t ‘get' mental health, that lost eye and confused tone brings me relief because I couldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.  I am also learning that you have to make it make sense to you, only you will know what works for you. Whatever that looks like has to make sense only to you only applies if it isn’t harming you or anyone else in the long run. 

I feel good.  Stronger, taking it day by day moment by moment. 

I can only do what I can do with the skills and tools I have. 

A year 7 student can not be expected to complete correctly the work of a 2nd year uni student. 

This too is growth.