The gist of it all.

In front of me a new employee is trained by a manager, next to them a colleague has searched 'cancer' into his email. Opposite the manager is a young man staring at his computer, most likely not looking at a work related screen. Next to him is a man whose head I can only see the top of and behind him two, one on his phone one in his emails. In front of me there's 12 or so rows where this or scenes like this play out.  And behind me a mere 4 rows.  

If it hasn’t dawned on you yet, I am in an open plan office. Where the day starts with murmured greetings, tapping keyboards, polyphonic ringtones, numerous phone calls occurring simultaneously, sneezing - Jesus so much sneezing-, whispering, tapping, knocking, chewing, every type of noise imaginable, at every level of irritation.  

You wouldn’t be mistaken if you walked in and immediately visualized a greenhouse, with the large double glazed windows, the orange toned lighting. The only thing that grows in this greenhouse is the toxicity that is fertilized from the higher echelons of management and allowed to sip its way through to very depot, department and team.  

The swirling chairs and the cleared throats that make way for whispering are one of the most sinister aspects of working in an open office environment, at my particular office some of the whispers include, judging colleagues' ability to provide for their children – nothing prompted this, no unusual bruising on a child's shin, not a wayward comment about a child, nothing-, how black guys are thieves – the man applied for a job-, giggles were shared when they suspected a slimmer framed workmate had an eating disorder-  this prompted interrogation every time food was mentioned or seen, and my personal favourite – two black colleagues cannot be friends, unless they fuck. Obviously this is simply scratching the surface of the whispering.  

Spending 12 month where I am, I am convinced that there is some kind of mass hysteria. 

Initially all the cold sweats, the pains, the dizziness, tight chest, the faintness, was explained by something, maybe my sugar levels too low, the broken sleep got a lot of the slack, I would catch colds and flus like it was nothing. Always tired and frustrated I started to take vitamins in hopes once my vitamins are at least levelled I would be energetic at least. Or so I thought.  

One morning while laid in bed, my alarm went off. Unbeknownst to me this was the start of an ugly ugly wake up style.  

With my heavy heart weighing heavy on my chest, like sleep paralysis, but all I could see was the carpark at work, and the large purple logo engulfing me and my car. I giggle now but believe me it's scary as fuck.  

It was then it dawned on me I was anxiously depressed from Monday to Friday from 6-6 and free on the weekends and days off. My mental health was affected in shifts I thought it was great and would make it manageable. My triggers were clearly work.  

While I was trying to get my head around this new epiphany,  the whispers intensified and because I was tired, tirreeeeeeed. I got HR and my line manager involved I couldn’t be coming for work always feeling like one more polyphonic ringtone would make me jab a homemade pen worked into a prison style shank to the neck of the nearest fucker.  

Then they told me all my feelings were just opinion and I shouldn’t care what others think of me. I sat in that room fighting back tears. So I did what I had to do and kept coming to cesspool of toxicity.  

Months passed and I was barely coping at work, but who would listen if I spoke up again, I just had to make sure my life outside work was full of life and joy. Only that there is no such thing as work life and life, FAM its all just life.  

Essentially this is about how my 'work life' and life started to merge in violence - metaphorically- and my brain became a cocoon of misery. Side note - cocoon is a weird word coz sounds more like ca-coon, anyway English is not my mother tongue languages.

The depression and anxiety I was feeling at work started to linger, it wouldn’t leave at 6pm and would already be there before 6am, everything I was doing outside work to try and fulfil my life started to feel emotionally taxing and physically no amount of 'doing nothing' weekends energised me. My appetite had practically disappeared and I was essentially force feeding myself, my gynaecologist told me my job will kill me if I wasn't careful, I joked and asked if he would pay my bills, then promptly directed his attention to my spread legs, thats what he was to exam not my work situation. The weight melted off me and people congratulated me on my weight loss, a change in weight I didn't really care for as it was a result of my failing mental health rather than disciplined training and eating. But I would smile and say 'oh thanks', and strike one fierce pose, laughing internally at the ridiculousness of the situation. My mind couldn't think past the next sentence, I was unable to think or even compile coherent sentences,just dropping adlibs, like I was a lil Jon tribute act. 

I still couldn’t say more at work, so they can tell me again that it is in my head? Nuh mate, not gonna waste my time.  

 Instead I kept applying for the few jobs that were around, but not one of them resulted in an interview in anything, now my depression and anxiety cannot and does not take rejection well. I was rejected left right and centre. I couldn’t do it anymore.  

Then the survey came.   

I was perplexed when the managers expressed the disappointment in the results. Turns out I am not the only person who was unhappy in the department. Was anyone going to apologies or at least acknowledge that they swept my concerns under the rug? Was anyone now going to try to get to the bottom of this? Was there anything to change these conditions? If the people who soured the place in the first place are now saying they don’t like it where do you go? Will the western world acknowledge the human rights violations they oversee to protect their worldview? Will the Zambian president put his people's needs above his own? Okay I got carried away. Lets pretend I was hopeful.  

Instead a group meeting where the anonymous survey was questioned for authenticity, where instead of actively trying to look at ways of improving the conditions, people where aggressively questioned about their presence at work if they don’t like it that much. As if anyone's bills will say "forget about me, I am going to take some time  while you work out your work situation".  

My job was killing me, I still need to find a new job.

My job was emotionally ruining me, I would roll my eyes when watching sad stuff. 

I had a breakdown.  

I actively remind myself to eat.  

I occasionally have paralysing anxiety at the thought of being at work.

I was stuck at work with no feasible way out. 

Then my doctor signed me off.

I spent the time reminding myself I am the baddest EVER, with the help of my loved ones obviously big up yourselves. Not to brag but I am pretty cool, ask my harem.

While my experience is not unique but is valid.  

P.s - dude do not let these 'systems' kill you sha, go get that time to rediscover yourself coz the butterfly that flies out that CACOON is worth protecting, celebrating, loving and thriving. It's no longer enough to just live sis, lets motherucking THRIVE.

Keep the people who be blowing your horn when you don't have the strength to do it yourself, they celebrate the hardest when you back to blowing your own.

Peace Out.

p.p.s I postponed my masturbation to rewrite this and I must say time well spent.