Empress

'I swear one day Imale I will lock you in a room and we will fight' my mum screamed angrily at teenage me.

See my mum and I then were chalk and cheese, water and oil, flammable substance and a spark, safe to say we did not get on. My father's cool demeanor vanishing when he had to play peace maker. I would push my mum to the edge, not on purpose I just seemed to really get on her nerves and I played on that. For years this continuted and my mother and I grew further and further apart, I never understood her nor her me. But I was cool, my dad loved me, enough for both of them and that was good enough for me.

My dad would always tell me my mum was my only friend, I would snort and roll my eyes at this statement. How was he gonna say this woman is my friend? I was offended, friends dont spend 95% of the time fighting. The other 5% was for sleeping, eating, work, school.

Then our world crumbled, when out the blue, my father dyeed - this is great four lions reference btw - then it was just my mother and her kids, she had lost her best friend, we had lost our father. And yet the distance kept widening.

Then I got into situations I can now identify as ridiculously toxic, but its calm innit I can now admit I was looking for some sort of love. Deep.
At the breakdown of that shitstorm I decided I would come out to my mother, hell she was the only person, I felt who didn't know me. I spent days and weeks mentally going back and forth about telling her, but I felt like a fraud and stifled by my facade.

Then a lot of my black gays know this part LOL. I ain't trying to relieve that.

At this point I became comfortable with the idea of being alone, emotionally. I consumed with the desire to be loved relegated the need for my mother's love to the part where all that is disdained inhabits. I greedily gorged on the desire shown to me with little regard to where it came from, it was never about them.

Laziness killed the wanton beast within me, in time for me to move out of my mother's house.

Turns out this is the change we needed. At this point I started to see my mother not as my mother but as a woman, who had kids.

We started to smile more, together.

And as my birthday nears, I see my mother not as a woman but as a fucking hero bro. The love that my mother continues to bestow upon me has been the most radical thing.

Her love feels like the sun on your face on the first day of summer heat after months of winter. Her love feels like nshima after hunger, like finally getting hot water after weeks of kettle boiled bucket bathes, like the £30 contactless limit. Ethereal.

As hard as the last couple of years have been, she has been relentless and has raised 3 fucking awesome well adjusted independent children.

I realise now that all that time that we weren't chalk and cheese, but rather two peas in a pond. Albeit different boats.

Guys hug your mum man.

P.s - Imagine being loved like this. This is God level love. I am gonna go make my mummy a brew.
Lol jokes I am cosy in bed.