Ending 2015 I was on my kitchen counter watching the sky and the lights illuminating, everything about that scene made me feel almost content in the moment. Like many others 2015 had been a trying time, I had gone to my personal hell and came back still fighting but barely alive.
I don’t want this to be a post on how much I hated 2015, instead I want this to be an acknowledgement of everything that I feel aided in making me a strong person. Often we are quick to point out what went wrong and we completely start to ignore what went well and like most people know bad news travels a lot faster and further than good news would ever try to attempt.
This year has showed me the importance of the right kinds of friend, I have learned that not everyone in a relationship has the same expectations; and by relationship I don’t mean exclusively romantic relationships. I am so grateful for every encounter I had in 2015 with people I may no longer be able to call friends, but everything taught me so much, so so so much, everything I thought I knew about friendships was turned upside down then inside out. My dad taught me that the greatest judgement of character is by what the person is not saying. Sometimes we are quick to call peers our friends based on what they say, and once a situation to prove themselves comes no one is quick to rise to the challenge.
Personal growth is a phrase I love throwing about especially when applying for jobs, but in 2015 I felt the growth within my person. The whole of 2015 was an emotionally draining rollercoaster, the highs where short lived and thrilling, and the lows came hard and fast right after. My insomnia was at its worst, all while battling third year and a racist work place and housemate issues and best believe that my plate was full but I became increasingly brilliant at hiding that plate and helping other people carry theirs. Then just before summer it all got too much I started passing out frequently and my body started getting heavy to lift and carry. I quit my job on A5 notepad paper and posted it off in an A3 envelop I didn’t have the energy to even try and do it better. This was at the time the worst time in my life, I had really bad anxiety, I would bounce from not sleeping at all to not having energy to wake up. I don’t know what clicked in me but I was determined to not live like that, I couldn’t go to the doctor for my own reasons and I fought every fibre in my body to make sure I didn’t wait till January to try and change my life for the better for myself. Everyday became an opportunity to start afresh and to forgive myself, something I did not allow myself prior to this. and by November I had clear plans in my head, I had laid the foundations of change and I was determined to not break them.
I am gonna end this on here but in all my hearts I believe that bad things happen so we can recognise and appreciate when the good things do start to happen. I am not saying because I had such a shit year I am entitled to a good year, old me probably would have thought that; although I wouldn’t have admitted to it. I realise that sometimes you have to turn the situations around yourself and that’s by doing things some people may not understand, if you are religious that could mean speaking to a pastor or someone in the church, that could mean going to the doctors and telling him you feel blue, blue enough to go see him, that could mean exercise; it like be anything and ending 2015 has made me realise instead of saying 2016 will be my year I am now finally prepared mentally, physically, spiritually to make 2016 my year. I know it will have its bumps but with the amount of times I have managed to get up in 2015 whatever 2016 will throw my way will be a walk in the park.
-Mal
'5k to couch'
P.s Originally I was gonna take a picture, that spoke these words but then I realised that although a picture can 1000 words, it might not be able to fully capture the beauty I saw and felt at that moment.
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