Mycelium

Did you know that babies have periods of no growth and then sudden bursts in development? So why do we then berate ourselves when we do not see something instantly recognisable as growth?

I have come to terms with the fact that this journey is going to be fucking uncomfortable, I stumble into dark rooms with huge do not enter signs and growls from now caged once freed beasts.

I learnt to find comfort in being misunderstood, the underlying basis to most of the interactions I had and came to accept it in due time as the way life was. Being misunderstood was an intrinsic part of the human experience. Noone walked a mile in your shoe, the levels of being understood are quite subjective. 

The illusion of loneliness is what bugs me, like most people I enjoy time alone. I am content and happy in my own company and can easily ghost without realisation. The minute another person or other people are thrown into the mix, I feel more so like an island than the peninsula - big up Andre 3000 -  that I am. 

I know for the most part this separation is ego's narrative and it will find all the necessary clues to support this theory. But I do not want to be some bitter spinster who is unable to keep company and never learns how to get on with people. 

Why do I feel so detached from others? Are we all doomed to feel a permanent and perpetual deep loneliness? 

I am fully aware of my interconnectedness to ancestors, family, community, friends, and even strangers.  I am aware of the love it took to get me here, to keep me here and to move me forward. 

What I knew then was how to shrink myself to make other's feel comfortable that I never fully unravelled myself in the presence of others.

Is it's the fact that I hear the unsaid loud and clear, having to navigate the two states feels like being a twin and having to play both roles. It's tiring. 

Could it be my contentment with being misunderstood and the comfort in aloneness that has played a factor in this? Could it be the lockdown trying and finding an issue to latch on to pass time? 

Am I communicating this disconnect with others? If I communicate this to them what do I want out of this situation? What is my responsibility and what isn't? Are our lives doomed to feel the hollowness of loneliness? Does being understood feel like being seen for the first time, is it an addictive feeling, do you forget the first time, the last time and how it felt when it passes?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck? 

As real as it feels, I must trust the knowledge of oneness, and the role in which I am playing in this, in order to comprehend the illusion. 

Maybe I just need a cuddle and a brew. 

P.s - Lemme get morbid, what if this slow detachment is how you know death is calling, surely it must have its own calling card. I am convinced you know you will die before you die, surely, maybe those intuitive souls. If you know you are going to die, where do you go to hide? Do you allow it to happen or would you instinctively true to dodge it? It is funny we are born to die and we have to rediscover our purpose and add meaning to our lives before our timer goes off.  I don't want to die but I am okay with it happening when it happens as if I can not be okay with it. Just postpone it to a more convenient time. K