Never Get Used To

I knew people died. Death was not just abstract and distant. I had lost loved ones and I saw my loved ones lose their loved ones. People existed until they no longer did and that was the end of it for me. 

We had taken our guide to the local clinic, he had fallen ill during our hoeing session in the village. We parked in the cover of shade under the hot sun, adjacent to the clinic building. He went in. A Muhanga prison Toyota Cruiser slowly pulled into the complex, a cloud of tension followed them. A lone prisoner in the back of the vehicle, our driver explained that sick prisoners were sometimes brought to the clinic as it was the closet. The Toyota parked with its back facing us, a stone throw away. 

In the back of the cruiser with the prisoner was a grey and blue striped prison blanket. Under that lie a deceased prisoner, that was the first time that I saw death and had to be so close to it in physical proximity. I was too terrified to look away, I watched a fly land on the blanket, I held my breath and envisaged a gust of wind revealing what was underneath and the fear burrowed its way into me. The fly flew into our van.

Whenever I closed my eyes I saw the blanket, the fear-induced insomnia forced me to face the reality of dead bodies. I wanted to face this thing head-on until I no longer feared inanimate bodies. 

Riding the wave of grief in this body has been interesting. We are spiritual beings having a physical experience, we have souls and our bodies return to the soil. The first years were the hardest, I couldn’t shake the loss and became obsessed with what was lost. As the intensity lessened I learnt that the trick was not to resist the wave, to ride it fully and let it pass. It always passes.

The loneliness consumed me as a you shaped hole seemed to grow wider, I spent my whole life loving and adoring you only for you to be snatched away so brutally. Then all the conversations about death started to make sense, I thought I would never feel the warmth of your love again. A hot water bottle found its way to me and I realised just how cold my world had become. Now I don’t even have it anymore. My world warmed up considerably. 

After feeling meh for so long I am starting to feel good, deeply good.  I am starting to deeply I see you in my dreams, I hear you in music and recently I found you in my emails. I feel closer to you than I did in the beginning, I see you in my words.
I am not fixated on you or nothing, it is not on some sixth sense 'I see dead people' wave, I feel your vibe, still.

I sometimes feel that moment and those days are hard but I also feel just how much you love me, ergo how much love I am capable of housing, how much love is readily available and the total summation of all the love that has housed me. The older I get the more sense you make. 

Energy never dies.

You are a phenomenal father and a brilliant man, to be yours and have been loved by me is like fertiliser to a plant. Thank you for your guidance and patience.