Naturally, I am a doer. I like doing, not doing irritates me. I would have not quit my job if I had imagined how long I have been out of work. The worst-case scenario time stamp came and went, all I could do was forcibly blow air out of my nose in amusement.
I do not regret leaving at all.
I quickly discovered that the day is both long and short while you are at home. You either shower or not, you contemplate breakfast each morning and settle on a hot drink, you always do the dishes though. The earlier you get at it the better. Apparently. The first email of the day pings through.
‘Dear Applicant, thank you for showing an interest in the work of and for taking the time to complete your job application...
Unfortunately, you have not been successful on this occasion’ Why don't they ever just get to the point when they are rejecting you, I wonder if the successful applicants get a shorter email more concise and to the point email. At least they urged me to follow their socials.
Anyway, you don't even remember applying for this one. You rework your CV countless time to see if it changes anything. Never does because the week is littered with emails like this and Dominos Pizza Marketing.
I learnt how much weight is tied to what it is you do, introductions always begin with name exchanges and an announcement of one’s job titles, ooohs and aaahs ringing out when one had a role of influence.
I questioned my value and worth all because algorithms wouldn’t let me jump the first hurdle. We are taught that taking time off for self-care is selfish and self-indulgent. The idea of admitting to myself that I needed a break made me feel incompetent, people worked 'real jobs' and I wanted to a break, a holiday, from not working. It felt cheeky. My body screamed 'KEEP GOING, JUST A LITTLE FURTHER', my fatigued heart whispered 'on your own mate'. Once I was able to understand and vocalise to myself what was happening I took time off, I was fortunate enough to be in a situation where that was even possible and for that I am grateful.
I refuse to reduce my life experience to what it is I do, and open myself up to the vastness of being in the present, the here and now.
During this time I embraced silence, meditated and began seeing myself. I saw parts of me I never knew existed and committed to loving each side, no matter how terrifying. Especially the terrifying ones. I learnt to look at them with no judgement and an open heart. I found a deep profound love rooted in something ancient, something wise and familiar.
I Christopher Columbus'd an oasis in the park and would spend hours there listening to the stream, the birds, the whistling leaves, for variety I would go to the open park listen to the joy of the kids who hadn’t seen the outside world for 3 Months and friends finally getting a chance to share a cold cider. I felt so alive in those moments.
The experience of being present in each of those moments without the urge to do, judge or describe allowed me to feel the flow of love through me. It lubricated my joints and alleviated the weight on my shoulder. The grey-tinted glasses replaced by clear vision.
Through rest, I am taking the time to dream big, to redefine myself for me, by creating the life I want the way I want it. I am grateful for the tools and the confidence to choose me and pursue my wildest dreams.
Navigating the world with a rested mind has allowed me to trust my intuition more as I commit more time to meditation and being.
Next time someone asks me what I do I will say, artist.
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