You will want to remember this.

The sky is blue, the sun is out; it's not hot but it is warm enough, the small cardigan your mum asked you to wear on the way here came in handy in the refreshing breeze. The warmth feels as though the sun rays are encapsulating you in a warm embrace, the air enough to blow your hair in the wind. You are here with baba, mum and older siblings, its been 2 weeks since your last outing. 

Baba still goes to work, he laughs a little less than usual lately. We are in the park, everyone is having a good time and baba laughs a little more.

A group of you have met up in the park you ask agreed that the week dragged you laugh because you still you haven’t been able to get anything done. Seeing your friends makes it easier to forget about the work situation; started working at a restaurant in January, a few months before all this, the lack of information plays on your mind often, you are done worrying and are ready to roll with the punches. The ciders were a good idea, you are glad you wore the shorts and not the jeans like you had planned. And to think you almost cancelled this afternoon. This feels good. 

The trees stand erect branches and leaves dancing in the sunlight to the sound of laughter, the noise of activity from the children running around, the parents stopping the sibling rivalry the pants of the joggers, the barking dogs. The leaves green and bountiful after the long cold winter, sway in the wind in gratitude for the sun, and its warmth. 

We are part of something big; nothing we do happens in a bubble. Our actions or inaction causing ripples and affecting the universe. The trees strong and proud and the territorial insects in the grass,  the little boy in the tent with his family, you with your head slouched from the weight on your shoulders and mind lost in a thousand scenarios of should haves, could haves would haves and didn’t. Stop look up and see just how much more you have to offer this reality. 

Let the sun’s warmth penetrate your heart, feel the glory of your being, your presence. Hear the excited shrieks of joy, hear the muffled whispering, see the various ways in which love lives. Smell the chlorophyll and feel the grass underneath your hand. 

You belong here, you are as essential to this as anything and everyone else. Soak in the love and warmth. 

Be present.

On a day you will you can not make it out of your head, remember this day, remember its fullness, sweetness remember how light and easy it felt. Remember you said this is what it is all about. 

Hear me out

When I think of God I think of a source that is spiritual both male and female. The female energy to create and the masculine energy to bring that creation to life, without one life and everything in it does not exist. 

The idea of God being exclusively masculine does not bode well with me because it downplays the role of femininity. 

Even during prayers and things it feels weird to only address a small part of God. 

But how does one continue to learn the forms in which God show up.

Because to me divinity lies in  between the spaces that are certain, in the bits where change brews. Where the truth exposes the contradictions of reality. 

As I grow its fun to challenge my language and understanding of God, its been amazing to learn and watch as God transpires with the universe to clear a way for me in me. 

P.s This is a late night rumble, I might come back and refine my idea or I might leave it  be and continue to explore this offline.

Chosen Lifestyle

Sometimes I think of how much easier my life would be if I was a straight. I imagine how coming out about my boyfriend would have brought joy and the idea of kitchen parties and weddings to my family. I think of how proud my mum would have been at the prospect of me being a wife and eventually a mother. 

I imagine how she would be able to hold her head up and high as she spoke of her daughter who gave her a grandchild I imagine the joy of receiving something she didn't even know she was missing would bring her. 

I imagine her heart warming smile when she comes to visit and finds my husband washing the dishes. I imagine going to her for advice about my household, my husband and the baby. I imagine her placing pictures of my wedding in the living room.

It's kinda sad actually, because no one in their right mind would choose this isolation, no one would choose this constant rejection or perpetual fear of rejection. No one would choose being seen as a joke and a fetish as a life style choice. No one would choose church leaders condemnation. No one would choose this isolation.

I would choose the laughter,I would choose the joy, I would choose the love each time. 

This time I choose me.