Never get used to

I guess you always knew eh, the text said it but we brushed over it never to speak on it. 

I hid it till it started to eat at the very core of who I was, my world crumbled faster than you can say 'a gay'. It felt like I failed you in ways that made all your sacrifices seem in vain. The seed you had sown eaten by the early bird.  

It wasn't eaten bro, just needed some extra care.  

It's not all gloom and doom though, I found love, first within me. I have never seen myself more clearly than I do now, I am able to be kind, and stern when it calls for it.

I found romantic love and although I can not compare, I am starting to understand when you said  'a thousand woman do not compare'. This love feels like after lifetimes of trying we finally getting it right, the universe is on our side.  

I found unconditional love for my family and friends, even the ones for which I must love from a distance, this love also carries to cameo friends, those that taught the lesson and left. 

I am preparing myself mentally, physically and spiritually for the abundance that is about to hit my life. Me 6 months ago would not have imagined the things I am doing now and continue to do, growth is beautiful. 

Thank you for your guidance and love.

P.s big up the ancestor dem!! Teaching and protecting the goods - we are the goods - since forever and a day.  

Not a fitness tip

In the middle of the bodypump class as I watch my thighs wibble long after I stopped moving and as my glasses and shirt continue to be drenched from my sweat, this is the proudest I am of the team work that my mind and body are capable of.  

After years of gyming I am now mentally and physically capable of keeping up the pace with my classmates albeit out of tune.  

The ability to cheer myself on during the sessions distracts my mind long enough for me to think objectively about my life and the lessons I may be missing and the direction I want it to head. While my mind giggles at how silly I look in this class, I think about my woes and how I may be misreading the facts in. In that moment I am capable of seeing my own strength and that empowers me.   

Every week we say we will give up this and that in a bid to get healthy. We know that the crispy vegan rolls, chips and cider - we all have our own variation - ain't doing us a world of good, counting the days between poops, yet we continue to indulge our bodies.  

But exercise is where you come to talk the walk you have to look after your body there and then, slack can result to injury. Bad form can literally cause damage. 

You come home and you know that was good coz your body feels good you feel good, you know that eating continues this feeling of goodness, yet you reach for the oven no effort quick food. You know what you are eating is only good for the right here and now and holds no nutritious substance. Convenience wins most nights. 

This year my intention is to stop empty convenience, limit the amount of nutritiously empty food I consume, limit the amount of media, especially that lacking substance and pazzzazzz. I want to use this time to fast, read books, make friends, make money, travel the world, cum in different hotels, explore the unexplored, laugh at the wibble of my thigh and to live my bestest of life. 

Basically big up the exercise, special shoutout to the gym and the gym class massive!

P.s Its simply to acknowledge how awesome working out makes me feel, how I can feel the muscles of my mind strength at the same time those of my body do. A recommendation of exercise, I guess it is a tip aaaaah, am I straying from the mission statement? 

I don't know depends on how you feel. 

What they don't say

as the distance between friends grow, the nerves that once held them strongly thinning with self discovery, time and geography causing further impairment.

on the surface, the nerves seem damaged beyond repair, minor surgery to snip what must be of little to no use.
what can't be seen is how we discovered the nuance and greys of life, 
how we laughed through the growing pains of adolescence 
we danced to Vybz and sang Weeknd, drunk and unafraid to conquer it all

what you do not say often is that you are sorry. without them you wouldn't have had the courage to go after what it was your heart desires and we take for granted the people who have our back. 
I am so proud of the persons you are becoming and I celebrate you daily.

all this and more remain unspoken but our connection still strong, reliable. 

p.s hey we made it in 2020 this is my ode to you. I love and will forever be grateful for your life. watching you live your best unapologetic life fuels and inspires me.

May 2020 shower you with abundance.